Published on 12, July, 2020
I dated an autistic guy in February this year since then we have been talking, i really like him, I've told him how i feel, and I want a relationship, but he is struggling after losing his job 3 months ago and wont commit to seeing me again. He's recently opened up to me and said he struggles to fit in, he has nothing to bring to a relationship, his life is complicated and he is struggling. He has no friends, and no girlfriend for 10 years, I am doubtful if he's ever had a girlfriend and i am not sure if this is another reason he wont date me again as he has no confidence in himself. I keep getting frustrated with the situation, it's affecting him and he gets down. he's told me he likes me but cannot tell me how he feels when i ask him. He can easily walk away with no emotions, and i get upset. Clearly he's not interested in a relationship but enjoys my company i feel maybe i am comforting him as he also said he's lonely. He longs for something meaningful but cannot see the bigger picture. We met on a dating site so I am hoping he's just going through a hard time. I keep telling myself to be patient and he will change and want to see me. I would like some advice what to do with the situation as I am not autistic.
Lack of or low self confidence is common in autistic men (and no doubt autistic women too) I know I'm quite bad for that myself. It can make it hard to enter into any sort of relationship if you feel you're not "likable" or "wouldn't want yourself so why do they?" Etc. there's also a risk of getting hurt and ending up feeling much worse off if it fails.
Relationships can seem very complicated, there's a lot of expectations that we may not understand and also missed queues and points too which might mean we seek more than the usual amount of reassurance.
If it were me I'd want you to be fairly open and direct, so I fully appreciated your view, I'd feel better if I felt I knew exactly how you felt, rather than having to guess or make assumptions based on other things (reading between lines is often something I do and get the wrong end of the stick, we always tend to look towards a negative explanation in the absence of something obvious). I also feel I'd rather know everything however bad, as being "not told" something would upset me more. Often autism has left us feeling "left out" so not being in the loop can be distressing.
Hope this helps, it sounds like you really like this guy and I'm sure it's worth the effort, just make sure that if you get together, that he puts effort in too, it's a two way street autistic or not.
Thank you for your advise. I do really like him and he knows how i feel but it hasn't made a difference. I am leading this friendship, he says 'you are the professional one'. I am sure he's not been honest about his previous relationships, he seems inexperienced. If i don't contact him its likely i will never hear from him again. He believes he's not what women want.
That's interesting. I am pleased, i was hoping to get responses from people who are autistic.
He never asks questions, he comments saying i have alternative options instead of him even though i have told him many times. He's opened up to me recently, i keep thinking should i walk away, but then i think maybe he just needs time.
Thank you :) i feel lucky to have him in my life he is a beautiful person because he is autistic, he is different from other guys and i respect him.
Autisician's posts are really good, but I might just add two more things, as I can very much identify with your friend's situation.
Even if someone explicitly says to me that they are my friend, I don't believe it. I will assume that I have somehow misunderstood, that they are just "being nice" or that they are actively trying to dupe me in some way.
The other is a sense of shame from a lifetime of rejection makes it very difficult to open up - particularly around things like not having had relationships before.
It takes a really long time for me to trust someone and reveal my true self. If you've only been with him for four months it may just be that you need more time.
He's really lucky to have you!
Yes, i can see the same, he thinks he might be pestering me.
We've had a few disagreements mainly because I don't understand him and he can never respond directly to my questions. He does not communicate in words how he feels, his actions prove to me he cares.
That's lovely to hear you are happily married.
Thank you!
I will continue to work on it and see if anything comes of it, he really is hard work!
Some of this does sound pretty typical,
Not feeling comfortable or able to say how he feels and not initiating things.I do both and the reason is usually confidence related.
When Conveying feelings I will sometimes worry about "what if she doesn't think the same and then I look stupid?" Over time this gets easier. I'm fairly confident as a person,( even if some of that is masking! ) but in each relationship (any type, friends , work, any) I start from zero and work up, rather than being confident and trusting from the start.
Not Initiating things is often as I worry I'm pestering , or that the other person might not want to do something and will only go along with it to be "nice" if I do.
There's a lot of the double empathy problem here too, it's worth looking that one up , there's lots on autism websites about it.
I've been married for 2 decades now and it's a wonderful relationship, my wife understands my differences and I understand her mostly, but I can still get it wrong at times and struggle with certain things. It's absolutely worth it though.
Everyone's different, my difference is mainly due to autism, other people might be due to other factors, we all just need to work eachother out and make our differences work together.
Good luck, keep us posted!