Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone here struggle to understand how they feel?
I'm recently diagnosed, and since knowing that I'm autistic, I feel as though the symptoms of it are much clearer to me now. I know that I'm feeling either bad or good, but I can't necessarily pin point the reason why or the specific emotion attached to. Its as though I've gone through so many difficult times (not trauma or a specific bad event, just bad memories) that everything seems to trigger some emotions which are negative. It's extremely frustrating because it puts my day off massively, and no one can comfort me because I either don't tell them, or I can't even tell them what's wrong.
Alexithymia - wow, that's a really useful term, thank you JuniperFromGallifrey, that's a really useful term and very interesting to read about.
NAS94025 - welcome to the family . What you describe and what Juniper succinctly describes is the central core of Autism. Hans Asperger first described ASD comparing it against the rest of the populations "instinctive" ability to act to social ques and situations based on an inbuilt automatic understanding of emotions and behaviours.
To be autistic is to be involved in a complex boardgame that we're all playing but 1-3% of the population haven't been shown the rules, and we've just got to watch the game and try and work it out on the fly.
The reason we struggle to understand others emotions could well be down to a difficulty understanding our own. In the last 4 weeks I've experienced starting a brand new job after 7 years, everyone asking me "are you nervous" and me having to respond "I've no idea what you're talking about sorry". Also a close relative being gravely ill, knowing I should be in someway upset by it, but in no way feeling upset by it. My Autism prevents me from accessing any "sadness" but my understanding of the world so far tells me I should act in a sad way so as not to upset other people (because they are probably sad and to see someone appearing not interested would be hurtful) - and loads of other things like this!!
In short - not understanding emotions is Autistic NORMAL, you are so normal.
Secondly - I have to fill my life with activity to prevent dead time. The reason is the moment I have mental dead time when I'm not thinking about something, my memory and sadness takes over and pulls out every poor decision, argument, playground teasing, relationship conflict, dream broken, times wasted moment I've ever had and run it over and over in my mind.
I've not found a way of beating it yet, but knowing I do it helps to prewarn me. I know, tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'm going to be cleaning the kitchen, I know during times like that often the sadness takes over. So I listen to music, sing, talk to myself - stupid things to keep my brain occupied. It's impossible to hold any thoughts in your head when you're singing Pearl Jam at top volume
This is very helpful. I completely relate to your 'dead time' explanation. I feel as though boredom creates a lot of sadness to me as I feel like I'm not following a routine or being productive. I'll be finishing uni for the summer next week and I'm already getting stressed about/ but excited too. I've written a long list of things I can do if I feel as though I need a task. I'm also going to try and keep a somewhat regular morning routine, just so I feel a little less 'lazy' too. Thank you for your response.