Published on 12, July, 2020
Apologies if this a mess but I'm not having a very good time right now.
I really dont know what to do anymore, my life is pointless and i cant achieve anything, no matter how much I try, I just seem to never get anywhere, I try and try but I get no where.
I can't seem to be able to anything, I feel empty, tired and this feeling of such disconnection from the world.
Life feels like I'm constantly looking in, can't make friends, I try and do what others do in social situations but it feels like I'm pretending, there's no connection, it's almost like I'm seeking specific emotions but their not there and it's a thought of emotion and not the emotion itself.
I feel so stupid but autism and adhd just make so much sense to me, i talked to my doctor about adhd (not Audhd though) and they just look at me and sigh, i felt like they thought i was an idiot for bringing it up, im 40 now and i just wanted help or some way of figuring out what the hell is wrong with me.
I've looked up alot and everything i read it ticks every box but i cant explain why to someone else because words suck, the sensory overloads( I've only just figured out where I work is a huge trigger for this, I'm always having days off where I have completely lost all thought and reason and just broke down) stimming (I always having to be touching/fiddling with something, even just brushing my hand across something not being able to connect with anyone, I have a thousand voices in my head telling me to do something at the same time so I end up doing nothing, I use video games as an escape from this.
I came across a term the other day "executive dysfunction" and boy did that make so much sense to me.
Let's talk about my emotions... I'm beyond sensitive and I don't understand any of them, what is love, what does it feel like to connect with someone? I'm so lonely, never had a long term relationship, I'm bloody 40 now, wtf is wrong with me.
I feel like I've bottled up everything to be able to fit in but pretending is exhausting in but the i guess they come in other ways? and I've never been able to keep a job jldue to days off.
most of my life I have always stayed away from everything and everyone, friends, family and social situations because I couldnt handle it and when I do go for it; I always fail.
I've always been mental issues, depressed, anxiety and just empty but not empty at the same time, I'm having a hard time even trying to make sense of everything, I stretch out my arm to grab at anything; emotions/connection/understanding but it's just a fleeting thought that drifts away and I'm back at the beginning again.
What do I do...
Hello NAS93490,
Thank you for sharing this with the community. I'm sorry you have been experiencing some challenging emotions. You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health
If you feel that you might need some support with your mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help.
Our website has a lot of useful information about diagnosis, including a pre-diagnosis guide for adults who think they might be autistic. We also have advice about broaching the subject if you have a family member or friend who you think may be autistic.
You can also browse our website for lots of other advice and guidance on a wide range of information about autism, including what autism is, socialising and relationships, employment, benefits and social care. To find diagnostic services in your local area, you can try searching on our Autism Services Directory, which can be found here.
All the best,
ChloeMod
You are almost certainly autistic. Breathe. You are home.
If I said to you "there's just too much to unpick in your post!" don't take it the wrong way, there is so much in your post because you've been struggling for so long and your mind is on fire and bubbling with questions and confusions and frustration - maybe anger and sadness too. This for me is the bread and butter of being Autistic - having this immense awareness of the world, being able to read it, make observations, mentally take in all the information but the rest of the world appears to almost instinctively know what to do and not get stressed about it.
My advice to you - find your own autism tribe to share with. NAS isn't a bad place if you can't find one close to home that you can be a part of, but being able to share these feelings of "does anyone else feel this..." questions really help to make us feel less isolated and less strangers in the world.
I have recently begun my own group in North Lincolnshire and for the 3 months it's been running 1 a month, we have setup a WhatsApp and have really begun to make friendships, something 6 months ago I would never have believed. I say this because 6 months ago I was being picked up by the police as a suicide risk, things were getting very bleak.
This new found sense of belonging is what has helped. I'm happy to say I think it is helping others.
The things I've been able to share with my group recently is
"After getting unfairly fined for a fine I had already paid, I was incandescent with rage, I was uncontrollably angry and the injustice, unable to process the moment"
"Not having any desire to go on holiday, everyone around me (Neurotypical) seem to get really excited about it, but I've never been on a holiday I have actually enjoyed"
"Not being able to feel sad about tragedies on the news, I understand it's sad but I don't feel anything"
etc etc
All the time my ASD friends can understand what I'm saying, even if they don't agree they have something similar.
It's that feeling of not being on your own which is the important thing.
Have you done a google search for Autism groups in your area?
Sometimes I find this is due to masking, I've done it so much over the years I often don't notice when I do it, but what looks like indecision can sometimes be me trying to just work out and go with what everyone else wants to avoid standing out and not fitting in....
I use my clothes until they are worn out and I can’t fix them anymore. Then I may use them as rugs for the floor if the fabric is good for that. I go to the shop if I need something. I enter the shop, find quickly the item I need. Try on, check if price is acceptable and quality ok. Direction cashier- exit. Bye till next time when I need something. Once I agreed to accompany my former colleague from work in her shopping. It was awfully overwhelming. We spent around 2 hours on a shopping center. She talked a lot about everything I don’t know I lost the track within few minutes. I only remember her mouth moving and the irritating sound of her voice. She was supposed to buy shoes but instead she started looking, trying on and commenting on all the other things around. She also asked me to tell her which dress was better. I told her both are good, you gonna wear it so you decide. She was disappointed with my reaction and at the end she told me that I’m visibly annoyed and it was even worse with me than with her fiancée. I decided to never ever do such mistake again. I avoid shopping centers whenever I can or if I have to go there, I’m fast like an arrow and I leave. At that time I used to ask myself “what’s wrong with me?” XD now I know. Nothings wrong, I’m just different.
Drives my poor partner nuts when I don't want to decide what I want to eat.
But it's rare that I really have a preference.
Wth clothing I find that if I really like anything it's really expensive, so there's little point in selecting for style, as anything with style that I can afford, is made out of tissue paper or something equally non-durable.
So I go for durable or "donated"when it comes to clothing. I can get ten years out of a 20 quid pair of Oxford style barrack Shoes, fifteen out of a pair of army trousers (lightweight worknig trousers), the jumper I am wearing is about 22 years old, the socks I am wearing came from a box I acquired 25 years ago, in the belief that I had !enough socks now to last me until I die! and I get bought new tee shirts faster than I wear them out. so that's one lot of expenditure that doesn't drive me like it can with other people..
I also often don’t know what I feel or I have no opinion about many things. Then people think that I ignore them when I say “chose whatever you want, it’s fine for me” - it means that I really mean it and I’m unable to take the decision right now.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. A lot of things you described also resonate with me either currently or in the past. One thing I can say, your me Tal health is important and it’s good you are trying to figure out it maybe you already did, if the specialist is ignoring you and your issues… better find other one. The thing that you are 40, doesn’t mean, that you are too old to get a proper diagnosis and help. I’m 35 female. Just some time ago accidentally realized I’m an aspie. Everything suddenly started making sense. Currently I’m not seeking diagnosis for various reasons. You are not stupid and thinking that you may have certain condition when your experience fits the description and description of other people’s experience is also not stupid. Here we can’t provide any medical advice, but it’s worth to look into and seek professional help when you need it.
Can someone tell me why when I look at something, either hair, clothes etc It doesn't evoke anything in me, I like it but I don't like it, it just is, one thing that comes to mind is "I don't know", someone asks "what do you think or feel" I just don't know or maybe I don't understand how?