Published on 12, July, 2020
Apologies if this a mess but I'm not having a very good time right now.
I really dont know what to do anymore, my life is pointless and i cant achieve anything, no matter how much I try, I just seem to never get anywhere, I try and try but I get no where.
I can't seem to be able to anything, I feel empty, tired and this feeling of such disconnection from the world.
Life feels like I'm constantly looking in, can't make friends, I try and do what others do in social situations but it feels like I'm pretending, there's no connection, it's almost like I'm seeking specific emotions but their not there and it's a thought of emotion and not the emotion itself.
I feel so stupid but autism and adhd just make so much sense to me, i talked to my doctor about adhd (not Audhd though) and they just look at me and sigh, i felt like they thought i was an idiot for bringing it up, im 40 now and i just wanted help or some way of figuring out what the hell is wrong with me.
I've looked up alot and everything i read it ticks every box but i cant explain why to someone else because words suck, the sensory overloads( I've only just figured out where I work is a huge trigger for this, I'm always having days off where I have completely lost all thought and reason and just broke down) stimming (I always having to be touching/fiddling with something, even just brushing my hand across something not being able to connect with anyone, I have a thousand voices in my head telling me to do something at the same time so I end up doing nothing, I use video games as an escape from this.
I came across a term the other day "executive dysfunction" and boy did that make so much sense to me.
Let's talk about my emotions... I'm beyond sensitive and I don't understand any of them, what is love, what does it feel like to connect with someone? I'm so lonely, never had a long term relationship, I'm bloody 40 now, wtf is wrong with me.
I feel like I've bottled up everything to be able to fit in but pretending is exhausting in but the i guess they come in other ways? and I've never been able to keep a job jldue to days off.
most of my life I have always stayed away from everything and everyone, friends, family and social situations because I couldnt handle it and when I do go for it; I always fail.
I've always been mental issues, depressed, anxiety and just empty but not empty at the same time, I'm having a hard time even trying to make sense of everything, I stretch out my arm to grab at anything; emotions/connection/understanding but it's just a fleeting thought that drifts away and I'm back at the beginning again.
What do I do...
Can someone tell me why when I look at something, either hair, clothes etc It doesn't evoke anything in me, I like it but I don't like it, it just is, one thing that comes to mind is "I don't know", someone asks "what do you think or feel" I just don't know or maybe I don't understand how?
I also often don’t know what I feel or I have no opinion about many things. Then people think that I ignore them when I say “chose whatever you want, it’s fine for me” - it means that I really mean it and I’m unable to take the decision right now.
Drives my poor partner nuts when I don't want to decide what I want to eat.
But it's rare that I really have a preference.
Wth clothing I find that if I really like anything it's really expensive, so there's little point in selecting for style, as anything with style that I can afford, is made out of tissue paper or something equally non-durable.
So I go for durable or "donated"when it comes to clothing. I can get ten years out of a 20 quid pair of Oxford style barrack Shoes, fifteen out of a pair of army trousers (lightweight worknig trousers), the jumper I am wearing is about 22 years old, the socks I am wearing came from a box I acquired 25 years ago, in the belief that I had !enough socks now to last me until I die! and I get bought new tee shirts faster than I wear them out. so that's one lot of expenditure that doesn't drive me like it can with other people..
I use my clothes until they are worn out and I can’t fix them anymore. Then I may use them as rugs for the floor if the fabric is good for that. I go to the shop if I need something. I enter the shop, find quickly the item I need. Try on, check if price is acceptable and quality ok. Direction cashier- exit. Bye till next time when I need something. Once I agreed to accompany my former colleague from work in her shopping. It was awfully overwhelming. We spent around 2 hours on a shopping center. She talked a lot about everything I don’t know I lost the track within few minutes. I only remember her mouth moving and the irritating sound of her voice. She was supposed to buy shoes but instead she started looking, trying on and commenting on all the other things around. She also asked me to tell her which dress was better. I told her both are good, you gonna wear it so you decide. She was disappointed with my reaction and at the end she told me that I’m visibly annoyed and it was even worse with me than with her fiancée. I decided to never ever do such mistake again. I avoid shopping centers whenever I can or if I have to go there, I’m fast like an arrow and I leave. At that time I used to ask myself “what’s wrong with me?” XD now I know. Nothings wrong, I’m just different.