Published on 12, July, 2020
Apologies if this a mess but I'm not having a very good time right now.
I really dont know what to do anymore, my life is pointless and i cant achieve anything, no matter how much I try, I just seem to never get anywhere, I try and try but I get no where.
I can't seem to be able to anything, I feel empty, tired and this feeling of such disconnection from the world.
Life feels like I'm constantly looking in, can't make friends, I try and do what others do in social situations but it feels like I'm pretending, there's no connection, it's almost like I'm seeking specific emotions but their not there and it's a thought of emotion and not the emotion itself.
I feel so stupid but autism and adhd just make so much sense to me, i talked to my doctor about adhd (not Audhd though) and they just look at me and sigh, i felt like they thought i was an idiot for bringing it up, im 40 now and i just wanted help or some way of figuring out what the hell is wrong with me.
I've looked up alot and everything i read it ticks every box but i cant explain why to someone else because words suck, the sensory overloads( I've only just figured out where I work is a huge trigger for this, I'm always having days off where I have completely lost all thought and reason and just broke down) stimming (I always having to be touching/fiddling with something, even just brushing my hand across something not being able to connect with anyone, I have a thousand voices in my head telling me to do something at the same time so I end up doing nothing, I use video games as an escape from this.
I came across a term the other day "executive dysfunction" and boy did that make so much sense to me.
Let's talk about my emotions... I'm beyond sensitive and I don't understand any of them, what is love, what does it feel like to connect with someone? I'm so lonely, never had a long term relationship, I'm bloody 40 now, wtf is wrong with me.
I feel like I've bottled up everything to be able to fit in but pretending is exhausting in but the i guess they come in other ways? and I've never been able to keep a job jldue to days off.
most of my life I have always stayed away from everything and everyone, friends, family and social situations because I couldnt handle it and when I do go for it; I always fail.
I've always been mental issues, depressed, anxiety and just empty but not empty at the same time, I'm having a hard time even trying to make sense of everything, I stretch out my arm to grab at anything; emotions/connection/understanding but it's just a fleeting thought that drifts away and I'm back at the beginning again.
What do I do...
You are almost certainly autistic. Breathe. You are home.
If I said to you "there's just too much to unpick in your post!" don't take it the wrong way, there is so much in your post because you've been struggling for so long and your mind is on fire and bubbling with questions and confusions and frustration - maybe anger and sadness too. This for me is the bread and butter of being Autistic - having this immense awareness of the world, being able to read it, make observations, mentally take in all the information but the rest of the world appears to almost instinctively know what to do and not get stressed about it.
My advice to you - find your own autism tribe to share with. NAS isn't a bad place if you can't find one close to home that you can be a part of, but being able to share these feelings of "does anyone else feel this..." questions really help to make us feel less isolated and less strangers in the world.
I have recently begun my own group in North Lincolnshire and for the 3 months it's been running 1 a month, we have setup a WhatsApp and have really begun to make friendships, something 6 months ago I would never have believed. I say this because 6 months ago I was being picked up by the police as a suicide risk, things were getting very bleak.
This new found sense of belonging is what has helped. I'm happy to say I think it is helping others.
The things I've been able to share with my group recently is
"After getting unfairly fined for a fine I had already paid, I was incandescent with rage, I was uncontrollably angry and the injustice, unable to process the moment"
"Not having any desire to go on holiday, everyone around me (Neurotypical) seem to get really excited about it, but I've never been on a holiday I have actually enjoyed"
"Not being able to feel sad about tragedies on the news, I understand it's sad but I don't feel anything"
etc etc
All the time my ASD friends can understand what I'm saying, even if they don't agree they have something similar.
It's that feeling of not being on your own which is the important thing.
Have you done a google search for Autism groups in your area?