Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
Do you you are one small disaster away from the illusion of normality coming crashing down.
I was diagnosed at the age of 50 after decades of being "a square peg". Initially it was a relief as it explained so much of what I was or wasn't feeling. Now I'm presented with the question of " who the f@#k am I" as my true persona maybe isn't what I show to the world or myself.
I'm married, have kids and dogs, I work full time and feel I'm living in an artificial reality as it seems to be all an act.
Maybe it's because I'm really not sleeping well and the fatigue is catching up.
I was given trazodon to help my sleep but it seemed to increased my anxiety and ruin my already poor sleep pattern.
Now I'm being prescribed a low dose antipsychotic as well as a SSRI to see if this helps.
I find this is mildly terrifying.
You are not alone, I am 54 and only realised at 50 I had ASD and now know I have ADHD too. I also no longer really have any idea who I am. I know I am not the person I was in my 20's and 30's and certianlly not the person I was before 2020. I have tried, in private, to find out who I am and to be honest I am still that little boy who does not under stand the world and just wants to sit quietly on his own and play with Lego and read. I want somebody to hold my hand and tell me everything is OK but that can nolonger happen.
Mine is all an act, its now what people expect from me and largely what I do seems to fit in with what they expect. I have withdrawn from social stuff over the last couple of years, I just downt have the energy to fake that any more. I am kinder to myself and have atleast one day at the weekend as a me day.
so true