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Old age hitting hard.

John R
1 month ago

Where do I start? Soon to be 67. . Recently diagnosed ADHD and Autism. NT partner 74. Been together 30+ years. Thought all our problems might get resolved with diagnosis.

Not so. Partner feels hopeless. Alone. Isolated. She can't see me ever changing. Before diagnosis she had hope that I could. She feels her life with me has been wasted. She hones in on my every 'mistake' and blames Autism. "You're the autistic one" is being said more and more.

What is so sad is that she is a truly good person becoming sad, scared and bitter.

Parents
  • 1 month ago

    Hi John. I was diagnosed age 59. My wife is NT. I can understand how she isn't always comfortable that I now have an official, recognised condition, instead of just being 'weird' like before. NTs think that being weird is easier!

    I am far from perfect of course. I try to reassure her that there is a difference now - which is that I know that I am autistic, and that when I have problems relating to autism, I can do something about it. Previously I didn't know what it was, and would try and blunder through by trying to behave more like neurotypical people - which often just made things worse.

    An example: I am startled by sudden noises. Previously I didn't know what to do. My reaction would vary between anxious and terrified. Knowing that it's an autism thing for me means I am now able to quickly tell myself 'It's just autism. Don't worry.' and I calm down a lot quicker. I am still startled by sudden noises of course. That is unlikely to change!

    I have made a point right from the start of reassuring her that she never has to change anything she says or does in order to compensate for my autism. She has to remind me of this sometimes! :)

Reply
  • 1 month ago

    Hi John. I was diagnosed age 59. My wife is NT. I can understand how she isn't always comfortable that I now have an official, recognised condition, instead of just being 'weird' like before. NTs think that being weird is easier!

    I am far from perfect of course. I try to reassure her that there is a difference now - which is that I know that I am autistic, and that when I have problems relating to autism, I can do something about it. Previously I didn't know what it was, and would try and blunder through by trying to behave more like neurotypical people - which often just made things worse.

    An example: I am startled by sudden noises. Previously I didn't know what to do. My reaction would vary between anxious and terrified. Knowing that it's an autism thing for me means I am now able to quickly tell myself 'It's just autism. Don't worry.' and I calm down a lot quicker. I am still startled by sudden noises of course. That is unlikely to change!

    I have made a point right from the start of reassuring her that she never has to change anything she says or does in order to compensate for my autism. She has to remind me of this sometimes! :)

Children