Old age hitting hard.

What a fantastic explanation in mechanical terms. So true though 

John R said:

True love travels on a gravel road.

That's so true. It's similar to my own: (tongue in cheek misogyny wrapped around basic truth) 

"living with a woman is like driving at speed in a vehicle with excessive play in the ball joints" 

I think yours is better, *Yoink* (sound of abrupt taking).

I find it strange that your partner won't research anything about autism, yet she's caring for a child diagnosed with autism. If she doesn't know anything about the subject, how is she providing adequate care for this child? Autism has a range of needs, and yet she doesn't even know what those needs might be, so how well is she taking care of this child? I think that she should do at least some research, instead of just winging it. 

I don't know how old you are Iain, but hell yes, it was a LOT different in my childhood!

The adults were also very different to todays adults. 

Whether it was "better" or "worse" will be determined by the future, no matter what we feel.

"Wood from the trees", and all that.

IrishInManchesterUK said:

by comparison to more recent years, we had far more (relative) freedoms

Which were these? As I recall any kind of sexual devience was a crime up to the 90s, religious intolerance was rife, sexual abuse by priests seemed almost accepted and we lacked the knowledge that the internet brought to our fingertips.

IrishInManchesterUK said:

I reject modernity and change

You realise that these are the very things that led you to be able to be openly gay and live with protected rights now?

IrishInManchesterUK said:

it does concern me that young people almost seem incapable of understanding and acting upon that wisdom, only when it’s too late

Was it really so different when we were young? I don't see the same rose tinted past as you - it was rough growing up, especially with autism (undiagnosed of course) and there were plenty of opportunities for staring into the abyss.

Where I grew up in small town Scotland there was a lot of deaths through drug and alcohol abuse amoung my age group plus plenty who ended up in bortal or prison. Those who came out as gay were beaten up regularly for this and the stigma placed on them was harsh.

I have to say for all the snowflakery of the current generation I think they have much more tolerance given to them and masses of information at their fingertips to make the better decisions.

If they chose to make bad decisions in spite of this then that is on them - you can't cure youth! If anything this is the crucible in which most of us were forged as adults and it hasn't done us a lot of harm in the bigger picture.

I had ZERO interest in Farming, as a kid, in spite of being brought up in a farm.

Now, on reflection, I realise exactly what I missed out on; in life.

Failing to make the IT grade left me feeling sorry for myself. But, now, I can draw a line in the sand.

At age 53 now, even as an older and conservative minded Irish gay man, I’m far more concerned about what life will be like for the actual babies of today compared to my own childhood in the 70’s and my teens in the 80’s - by comparison to more recent years, we had far more (relative) freedoms and I’ve noticed a pattern during my 30 years in supermarket retailing and living in working class areas in both Ireland and the U.K. over 22 years that gradually, children today are gradually losing the freedoms that my generation once took for granted - I have extended family in Rural Ireland and even though I’m not a parent myself, I’ve noticed and observed a lot of very disturbing trends that don’t look well for the future, yet many of my own generation simply do not see what is really happening in so many areas where children and young people are concerned - in my teens, I embraced modernity and change but now, as I see what is really happening, I reject modernity and change, not just related to my getting older, just like my grandparents generation did - it saddens me to see so many young people flying blind into the abyss - they say that age brings wisdom, but it does concern me that young people almost seem incapable of understanding and acting upon that wisdom, only when it’s too late 

Thank you. True love travels on a gravel road. Best wishes to you and yours too.

Thank you James.  I wonder...how long had you been together before your diagnosis.

Hullabaloo said:

But I am amazed that you have been with an NT partner for 30+ years. That would be hard for me to do, since there would be so many expectations that I wouldn't be able to fulfill. But I am with an ND partner, and we work well together most of the time. 

Hi everyone 

Im 49, undiagnosed and with my Nt partner of 27 years. It’s tough to say the least as we are on different levels. There’s a lack of understanding from my partner and even I would say an unwillingness to research anything much. I understand this doesn’t come naturally to the Nt population to necessarily want to explore but we recently discovered our youngest son is autistic. I’m very confused about it all at the minute as it seems my son is accepted but I’m not. My new obsession is Neurodiversity so spend most my time on here or researching or listening to audible books. I hope one day to be able to talk comfortably with my partner about my differences just like I can on here. 
I do wish you good luck John and hope it all works out for you and your partner. 

Good post!

Hi John. I was diagnosed age 59. My wife is NT. I can understand how she isn't always comfortable that I now have an official, recognised condition, instead of just being 'weird' like before. NTs think that being weird is easier!

I am far from perfect of course. I try to reassure her that there is a difference now - which is that I know that I am autistic, and that when I have problems relating to autism, I can do something about it. Previously I didn't know what it was, and would try and blunder through by trying to behave more like neurotypical people - which often just made things worse.

An example: I am startled by sudden noises. Previously I didn't know what to do. My reaction would vary between anxious and terrified. Knowing that it's an autism thing for me means I am now able to quickly tell myself 'It's just autism. Don't worry.' and I calm down a lot quicker. I am still startled by sudden noises of course. That is unlikely to change!

I have made a point right from the start of reassuring her that she never has to change anything she says or does in order to compensate for my autism. She has to remind me of this sometimes! :)

One thing that I have observed since my teens in the 1980’s growing up in Rural Ireland, was that back then, I embraced scientific and technological “progress” and “advances” and big cities, but in a (very gradual) process since then as I’ve gotten older, is that I’ve started to value Rural Life, Tradition, Faith and Family Values far more and I have increasingly found myself “turning back the clock” on a lot of things - while not necessarily linked to advanced age, where they say that age brings wisdom, I’d certainly say that I have decidedly become conservative minded in my “old age” even as an older gay man - I’ve heard the stereotype that gay men are always trying to recapture their lost youth in so many ways, but it does not hold true for me and I’m happy to grow old gracefully - I see younger people making the same mistakes that I did at their age, but I do think that younger people today have far greater challenges and social pressures placed on them today, despite the advantages that they have today that we never had back in my youth 

Thanks for this. It's encouraging

Everyone is still young at heart despite their age. I think that couples therapy might possibly help unravel some of the mixed emotions. I would like elderly couples to live in peace and harmony with each other for the duration of their lifetime, and not spend them with so many negative emotions.

She wants you to make all these changes, she wants to fix or cure you, stop you from making all these mistakes, and blames your diagnosis, stating that your 30+ relationship was a waste of time. Sure, she could be a good person in the eyes of the world, but it doesn't sound like she's being a good partner, a good supporter, nor a good friend to you. She feels alone, isolated, and hopeless, but what about you? You're the one with the diagnosis. And this isn't even a fatal illness! It's just a different way of neurologically processing information. It's just that you have to figure out methods of doing things that work for you, and set up systems in your life that would work to your advantage. 

But I am amazed that you have been with an NT partner for 30+ years. That would be hard for me to do, since there would be so many expectations that I wouldn't be able to fulfill. But I am with an ND partner, and we work well together most of the time. 

I hope your partner will eventually accept you for who you are, and you two can work things out. I hope she chooses to connect with you, instead of living like she's alone in the world. 

These may be feeIngs your partner has been holding close to her chest for some time and has had no way to express to you in a way you could hear.

She is, most likely, not a scholar in the subject and is in over her head.

What financial security does she have apart from you?

Does she have financial independence?

Or may she not have worked at a paying job and managed your household instead?

That is a job that is just as hard but is not calculated as income toward credit in the pensioner years of life.

She may not be able to articulate this in her own mind yet and may just be feeling like the rug, indeed the floor is gone from under her.

This is a straight on conversation - financial independence - that will clear up a great deal of confusion for both of you and hard truths may emerge. 

Face them and emerge from this as equals.

Ha ha ha! Very good!

Recent advances in genetic research have determined that some people lack a certain type of chromosome.

This defiency sadly has a strong correlation with a tendancy to get over invested in a particular individual, shoe, house etc, move heaven and earth to acquire said asset, and then IMMEDIATELY STRIVE TO ALTER IT from it's original state. 

Science has yet to provide a satisfactory cure for these poor suffering individuals, but research continues....

I don't understand why NT's think that people will change. Surely it is obvious that people are different .You wouldn't just magically expect an adult to increase their height would you? Also why marry someone that they don't really like? They seem like very strange beings to me. I suppose this is what happens when your neurotype is always pandered to. You think your way is correct and everyone else must change to be like you. 

For my long suffering partner, there has been a real understanding that whilst some things are never going to change, there's a reason.

When I forget to do stuff, it isn't because she isn't important, or I don't share her value about what's important it's because invisbile pixies in my head distracted me...

She also now tolerates me requesting better instructions, but I on the other hand have decreased expectations of my own reliabilty, and make an extra effort to compensate for what I now know to be more a serious deficiency than I previously could admit to possessing. 

It took me about three years to come back to some sense of "normality", after diagnosis.

My experience is that this does offer you some chance to make careful changes to your relationship and live more harmoniously. 

As I figure out better what my shortcomings are, I'm in a much better position to direct my efforts into making things a little better. When I dint; know I was Autisic there was always a mystery factor that frustrated many of my efforts, now I know what that is, I figure I can use my strengths more and skirt my weaker areas.