Seeking advice on breakup with my autistic Girlfriend

I'm kind of going through the same thing you are, I been talking to an autistic woman who was diagnosed at 29 as autistic, tho she has kind of always known she was. 

We been talking for a year, and she recently moved back in with her dad, and before everything was good, and she called me love and babe, and I was looking forward to meeting her in person soon, but a week ago, she started saying she isn't ready for dating and a relationship, and wants to work on her recovery. I'm not sure if this is something she wants to do as friends or completely on her own. I just wish I knew what to say to bring her comfort, it's not easy doing anything on one's own, especially as big as recovery from burnout. I'm just trying to learn as much as I can from other autistic people. I'm a nt, but I don't find her weird or odd, there is nothing odd about trying to find your own way to make it in the world, without having to feel stressed and overwhelmed 

She’s tried therapy in the past, I think before her diagnosis. She’s currently waiting on post diagnosis therapy or counselling of some sort which she got help being referred with in January.

it’s just so hard to hear her say she cares, loves me and know in a way she wants to be with me however can’t do it.

thanks for your reply!

She may need a lot of space, and might have trauma from her past relationship that is unprocessed. She also has said she has a habit of feeling trapped, and pushing people away, which sounds like a coping mechanism to keep herself safe. I hope she is getting therapy to work through these things. 

It takes two people to consent to being in a relationship, and if she thinks it's too much pressure for her at the moment, and she wants to just take some time to work on herself, I think that might be a good decision.

I mean, all the emotions you're experiencing are still fresh right now, so you could wait on her for awhile and see how that goes, but of course at some point in time, you have to live your life as well. But I hope that things work out for you. 

My pleasure. I hope it is fruitful.

She will find her way to where she thinks she needs to go now. Perhaps you will get a call one day. Best to grieve and move on, friend.

One more thing you can do, now I think of it is text rather than call telling her telling her that she can reach out to you if she wants no matter how much time goes by. No strings or expectations attached. Let her initiate contact at this point. Honor her intent to figure things out on her own. 

Thank you so much for the advice. It’s lovely to hear your story and how you’ve been together for so long!!

I did wonder if she had been speaking to people at work as well as her sister, as when she sent the text to me in the morning, it was between her late shift, presumably when she had woken up that morning. I don't want to be that person, but I've worked in retail for many years, and women like to speak at work. Everyone has their own opinion on what a relationship looks like and what's best for them and their needs, so others opinions could, in my mind, have swayed hers in the end.

Prior to all of this, we had chatted about having more interaction, as from the end of January up until the breakup a couple days ago, she had been quite distant. Just simple things like I wouldn't get a phone call for a week and sometimes two, I wouldn't have the chat with her before bed over text, and we weren't playing games together. During this time, her 'special interest' was playing GTA, and it ended up being that she would go from work, take a nap or go straight on GTA for a couple hours, have dinner, maybe have a shower, and then go back to GTA until stupid times in the morning, but normally around 03:30-05:00. She never wanted or would let me join her in this interest where she had previous games or hobbies that had her attention.

During this period, she never told me she was struggling, and maybe hindsite I should have known, but we had a couple conversations about it, leading to us sitting in her bed last Friday crying together. This is when she told me about not having energy. I told her that I needed to understand that to be able to help or to give her the space she needed. However, I did tell her that although she was saying that she didn't have energy for me, she was talking to others while playing, and it felt that they were more important at the time.

She reassured me about all this, and I suggested we work on slowly trying to ease into things and that maybe, feeling the way she is, she needed to speak to someone. I set up a calendar that we could agree to call on certain days, and she could easily see everything coming up... She never joined the shared calendar, and the second call we scheduled she didn't want to as she was having fun on GTA.

During these couple of months, I have had my own struggles, and maybe I feel I put a lot on her, but I couldn't know how she was feeling as there wasn't enough communication around it. She took me for not being right in myself and wanting some of her attention, meaning that neither of us were happy, so why continue where this is going?

I don't think her being in the rut she was in had anything to do with the relationship itself, and what has been said here and by her personally confirmed that to me. It's more the social energy of it all that's making her struggle.

Hi, I thought your post was very clear, thoughtful and insightful, and I'm sorry to hear about your relationship breakdown.

One thought flagged up to me though - how well do you know her sister?

I of course do not know any of you, but this part stood out to me: "Her sister was with her to help and eventually said that once she’s made up her mind, there's not much I can do that will change that. I heard her weeping in the background, clearly distraught about the situation, when her sister said that it was goodbye."  What I immediately thought was - why is her sister speaking for her? It may be that she asked her sister to help with communicating because she knew she would struggle to tell you, but you obviously understand that as you told her she could text you what she wanted to say.

I had problems with my own sister, related to jealousy and her inability to fully understand me and my partner, so I may be reading something into this that isn't factual, however I did wonder if this girl's sister had influenced her decision. It might not be malicious, it could be she believes she knows what is best for her. However I can say that as an autistic girl and woman, over my lifetime I've sometimes been frustrated by other people "knowing" what is best for me.

But to finish on a hopeful note: My partner and I got together when I was just 16 and he was 18. It hasn't been all wonderful and other people tried to break us up several times when we were young, but we're now in our sixties and wouldn't be without each other.

So don't give up. Keep trying to contact her from time to time by text, email, or even an old fashioned letter or card, telling her how much you want to be with her and how happy she makes you.

Good luck :)

What you say is making sense, however when we broke up she said it would hurt too much to stay as friends. I think this is maybe for her but more for me, trying to take my feeling into account.

I really did try to stay friends with her for the time being as I care for her and said I’d be there for her. She unfollowed me on instagram and removed me on Snapchat instantly. Following this I had to remove her on everything else because I didn’t want to feel like I could reach out at the moment and upset her.

We still have each others phone numbers however and I feel I’ll reach out at some point at least to know she’s doing okay. she told me in a very emotional chat in January that I was the reason she didn’t self-harm, every time she felt that urge, I guess I’ll call it, she thought of me and couldn’t do it.

thanks for the advice :)

NAS92958 said:

She warned me when we first started talking that she gets feelings very quickly, falls distant, feels trapped, and pushes people away.

It is possible.

I would say this. The pattern you describe sounds a lot like imposter syndrome. She may feel that if she presents you with her most authentic self that you will feel betrayed by the "deception" of her masking herself to suit your relationship, which, in reality is mostly a survival strategy when dealing with the world at large (too large, at times, for her).

She may have un-masking issues she is working through to find that "original face" (as the Taoists call it). She is at the right age for that.

You may want to read some literature on how females autistic people present differently from males, who, historically, have had more latitude of expression than females, who faced a different set of expectations as they grew up.

I would give her space for the "breakup" and show an interest, instead, in her well being as a friend. This way you can still be there for her and deepen your own understanding if it feels like something you are willing to invest in. the relationship may be something she might feel more inclined towards at a future date when she feels more comfortable trusting you with that more authentic self.

Thank you so much.

I’m sure if no one else gives me a response here that I’ll be back to ask other questions in the future.

seeing the pure joy, love and trust from someone like her was so lovely to have. It has helped me and my family understand more about autism so that I’m proud of.

Well, you can always ask on here to learn more about Autism if you need to cause that's what we're here for, to help grow the understanding and support each other. And just remember the old saying "As long as there's hope there can be victory."

Thank you for your words of kindness and encouragement. I really do hope it all works out because she does mean so much to me and is the one person I’ve found that I feel this way about.

I’ve learnt so much about autism this last year and am still learning. it really has helped open my view.

thank you.

NAS92958 said:

I don’t know if she ever felt she was a burden on me, she never told me she felt that way atleast.

It is a possibility that she feels that way.

NAS92958 said:

Pressure is something she mentioned, that people told her we’d last forever and that in her head we were expected to be settling down.

As for this; that maybe because she’s not ready to make that kind of commitment yet due to her own internal struggles. 

NAS92958 said:

I feel like I’m going to give it time for now, it’s her birthday next month so maybe I’ll reach out if I don’t hear from her.

That’s all you can do is do what you feel is right to you. I do hope things work out. It sounds like you really care for her so just give things time.

Thank you for the reply enflores,

I don’t know if she ever felt she was a burden on me, she never told me she felt that way atleast. I feel like she’s in a low place and has been for a while, she told me in January that she felt like she was trapped but stayed because she didn’t want to hurt me.

I’ve also been dealing with anxiety and depression over the last 3-4 months and I feel like that put pressure on her a bit.

Pressure is something she mentioned, that people told her we’d last forever and that in her head we were expected to be settling down.

I feel like I’m going to give it time for now, it’s her birthday next month so maybe I’ll reach out if I don’t hear from her.

thank you for a little bit of clarity at least, always nice to learn.

Not every Autistic person is the same but it sounds like while she may want a relationship with you but she can't due to a lot of her struggles. What sucks for most of us who are Autistic is that we have been made to feel like a burden on those around us over something we didn't ask for and can't help and so we feel that way all the time where it kind of puts us in a struggle between we want to be with this person but we don't want them to deal with us. I'm traumatized by a lot of trauma that I had throughout my life.

She is at least trying to work on herself and work through her traumas which is a good thing. As for if she may want the relationship later on, none of us can speak for her on that, she may or she may not. Me, I have given people numerous chances through out my life and she maybe like that and she may want the relationship, I don't know, I can only speak from myself that when I say I love someone and I care about them, I mean it, it's not something that I just say to say it.

I don't know if there really is any advice I can give though.