Seeking advice on breakup with my autistic Girlfriend

Hi,

For the last year, I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with a girl with high-functioning autism. I wasn’t ever really told how severe it was by her or her parents but she was allegeable for a car in the UK through the government scheme for people in the higher bracket. She warned me when we first started talking that she gets feelings very quickly, falls distant, feels trapped, and pushes people away. She’s 20 and it’s her first relationship since her diagnosis when she was 16–17, so there’s a lot of feeling that she didn’t know and things that she may not have understood.

She had told me about past experiences, her journey through self-harm, and how she split with her boyfriend at 15/16 because of sexual abuse. She told me when we first met that I was her first hug in 3 years, and the guys she’d agreed to meet before had all stood her up due to her autism.

A few days ago, she sent me a message in the morning saying that she has a responsibility to look after herself, and at the moment, a relationship isn’t what she needs. She said she needs her own space and time to heal and work on herself. I feel she’s burned out, and she says that the relationship is too much, there are too many feelings, and it's too much energy. 

She told me she felt trapped, as knowing she was in that relationship meant she had to put energy into it, even if we weren’t communicating as much; just being in that relationship was taking her energy. I wanted to have a conversation with her to clarify and maybe try to sway her mind. I told her that I would speak and she could text, which she did. Her sister was with her to help and eventually said that once she’s made up her mind, there's not much I can do that will change that. I heard her weeping in the background, clearly distraught about the situation, when her sister said that it was goodbye.

I guess I’m looking for clarity in the fact that this is a normal thing with autistic people in relationships? Do they feel trapped? I get she needed time for herself but in my mind she could have done that in the relationship.

She told me that once she’s healed and feeling better, she may reach out, and maybe we could work. I know it'll be hard for her to speak up or reach out, so would it be advisable for me to do that in a little while? She told me she still loves me and cares for me but my issue is that I don’t know if, because she’s made up her mind that she doesn’t want this at the moment, she won’t want it at all in the future.

Is it likely that someone with autism can go back into a relationship like that? Or is it a done deal once it’s done? She told me she still loves and cares about me, but she has to look after herself.

I know this may sound horrible, but I care about her a lot and don’t think she’ll find many people like me who have been so willing to learn and so patient with her over the last year. Not doing much going out or planning dates, more of just laying in bed or going to London to sit in a hotel room watching TV because she couldn’t deal with the crowds of people or being in public a lot.

I feel like because she's had this happen in the past and because it was in her mind when we started, she'll never break that cycle of feeling trapped. If she's not willing to work on it, try to overcome it and communicate it. I know that it was hard for her to communicate, and I was so patient with her in that regard. However, I know she's deserving of love, but it feels like she doesn't think she's built to be in relationships.

Sorry if it feels like a lot of words, but obviously I'm very emotional at the moment and looking for clarity, which she may not have been able to give.

I'll look forward to any replies or advice anyone can give. If there’s any need for me to clarify anything I will.

Thank you.