Recently Diagnosed at 30

i dunno.... interaction is different between each person... you know your mother more than we do... to me if my mum said that id think thats way too formal, and the formality of it would be weird and confuse me... my mum wouldnt care either way, it wont make any difference to who i am and our relationship. but each person and relation is different. so i cant really say anything about it, only you can determine the meaning behind someones words or actions that you know... maybe it means nothing, maybe thats normal for her and the way she speaks and acts, maybe its shrugging it off and not caring... cant tell, not a person i know and everyone is different. dunno if formality is normal for your mother or not but like i said it sounds a bit formal.

In my origonal part of this post I'd stated

"She was aware I was going through the process for the last year of getting an assesment. I sent her some links from this website for her to read to help her understand my diagnosis. I'm at a total loss of her messaging me saying "I will go through it when I'm ready, but as Im not in the right place at the moment and may say something"

This was a response on the day of me getting my diagnosis. The next lot of messages was a few days after when I'd asked if she had read the links I had sent her. She then called me acting very hostile to me saying "what do you want to talk about?" in a very agressive tone. "So I responded saying look you're obviously not ready to talk about it so we wont right now" she then proceeded to say she wasnt in the right mind frame so asked her what was wrong. She completly changed how she acted then because the conversation was about her (this is a very common thing with my mother) once we'd finished talking about her issues she then aproached the conversation on Autism. "They told me you didnt have it!" which I didnt know how to respond so I didnt, she then went on to say well we all struggle so that's life and thats how it is. So I said to her look I've struggled for the past 30 years with no help, but before I could even finish what I was saying she kicked off saying well I have struggled! It's been hard on me! I was scared of you! I had to deal with your dad! I had to deal with you!. (My dad abused me as a child till I was 16 when she finally left him) At this point I'm in tears because whats she's saying. I tell her "you're not letting me explain what I mean, we had cahms and social services involved when I was a child and they didnt help! theyre meant to be the proffesionals" She then kept going on about how oh well its all my fault then! Blame me!  this kept going int circles so I said look I want to put this behind us and I want you to understand what Autism actually is. But she keeps shooting me down saying about how her heads not in the right place to be able to read so I said I can go through them with you and help you understand. Shes having non of it so we decided to call it quits on the phone call.

Thats when the next two messages happened   

For a bit of context for a type of person my mum is I became a disabled wheelchair user 18 months ago and she dismissed my issues and started talking about her issues ie her diabities even now she still dismisses my health and just talks about her own. This isnt the first time this cycle has happened as I have numerious meddical issues. I was just hoping this time she'd finaly show me the support I need.   

Emma said:

"I want you to understand I am not blaiming you for this. Yes in hindsight you and dad should of done more

Do you realise what you just did there?

It is effectively saying "I don't blame you but you are to blame".

It explains the response.

Remeber that autism is almost always inherited so there is at least a 50% chance your mother is neurodivergent too, and if so, she had to grow up with abolutely no public understanding of high functioning autism, little sympathy for any mental differences and undoubtedly a lot of trauma resulting from this.

Emma said:

. We're not going to be able to move past this till you can appcept and understand what it actualy is and that its not a personal attack on you.

You delivered an ultimatum which is just going to amp up the tension in the situation.

If your mother is neurodivergent then I'm pretty sure she will feel attacked by this.

My opinion is you need to walk a lot of this back, find a new neutral ground and try to start the dialogue over again. Personally I think it is way out of line but I am from a generation closer to your mum.

Emma said:

she clearly does not understand or even willing to and trying to blame me for everything 

Then help her understand. I don't see her blaming you for everything - just pointing out your attack was unreasonable here.

My advice would be to apologise for making it so personal but you want to have a talk about what is a sensitive subject and would like her involved to help her understand.  Maybe point her to some of the FAQs here to see if she is willing to educate herself.

She may have a deep seated fear of it as for her generation there was a lot of stigma attached. Try to understand her perspective and listen to her when she talks about it without interrupting or judging.

Try to see it from outside your perspective - think how you would have acted with the absence of knowledge she had and the environment she lived. Would your choices have been so different?

Lastly focus on the things you have in common and let that bind you together so you can come to understand what is driving you apart and find a balance.

I really wish this was the case for me, for context I am her second child I have an brother who is 6 years older then me.She has a way of making things about herself, but this time I wasnt expecting her to react this way. 

I sent to her on messanger "I want you to understand I am not blaiming you for this. Yes in hindsight you and dad should of done more but thats not going to help anyone now. I want to put that behind and start working on what can help me now. I  need you to understand what Autism is and not take it so personaly. Its a disabilty, it dosnt have a cure. We're not going to be able to move past this till you can appcept and understand what it actualy is and that its not a personal attack on you. I need you to understand how much I've struggled, I know you have also struggled I understand that I truly do. But imagen you going through your diabites with no medication or help and not understanding why these things are happening to your body, how scary it is"

Her respone to this has completly thrown me

"I do understand but to me it is an attack on me for giving birth to you. I have been here for you, through thick and thin. I totally understand as I've been through it with no diagnosis for years but that's me. The thing is you have to do what is right for you and at the moment I feel you are wanting someone to blame. I am not in the right headspace with my health. You have Harri to support you and I have always helped you but at present you need to accept and understand the person you are and until then you won't agree with anything I say. Yes 30 years is a long time but when I decided to have a baby I didn't get told what to expect, there was no manual to follow and times were different to now. I did the best I could, we all make mistakes.
Life is scary and I understand how scary illness is, I have been there but I have also had to bring you and Shaun up with no diagnosis and no help. You don't understand my benign intracranial hypertension or my other things but I have had to accept myself for who I am. I feel you need to learn how it effects you and what parts do as shouting at me to understand and the way my brain is since I've had the covid. You haven't listened to me on this. I will let you digest your information and get rid of your anger. The main thing is your finally getting help."

I'm at a total loss, I've not responded to her as she clearly does not understand or even willing to and trying to blame me for everything 

I'm 47. My mum glossed over it when I plucked up the courage to tell her. She may need some time