Published on 12, July, 2020
through councelling ive learnt to have self belief and trust myself and ive become the most self assured emotionally self aware person i know , aside from my councellor
it feels like im the only adult in a world full of children and they all have control over my life (my boss at work, my mum at home)
i dont earn enough to be able to live somewhere that i will feel safe and comfortable (cheap accomodation means living around DSS people who typically arent the best sorts of people for me to be around)
if im sad my mum seems to take it as a personal affront and becomes angry with me, which allows her boyfriend to express more of his disdain for my presence in the house
i spend most of my time either sitting in my work vehicle or at work working for free because i have nothing else to do and i feel like i have to do the free hours because im effectively abusing the work vehicle by using it out of hours
im clean of drugs and alcohol but with sobriety comes the realisation of how difficult my situation is, im trying to stay out of my head because i feel like hopelessness and loneliness and a feeling that im never listened to only has one obvious economical solution and i dont want to start thinking that way
i keep my body as healthy as i can , constant exercise, healthy eating, minimal caffeine and nicotine, im raising loads of tomato plants and bonsai trees at the moment, this is helping
i dont think im really asking for advice , just venting. my situation feels complicated, my councillor can offer no solutions but shes so important to me because shes the only person who i feel believes in me
it doesnt seem that the more intelligent you are the more happy you are, especially when less intelligent people seem to refuse to ever aknowledge my ideas
just saying hi, im typically more fun than this but ive not been sleeping because the second i open my door the cat rushes in and wakes me up intermittently
making the most of the few hours before my mums OH wakes up and the hostile atmosphere begins, getting washing done, preparing some food and thermos's for the day
i prefer the terms awesometism and awesometastic haha ;) - usually more light hearted than this lol . will probably get involved in some cheerier threads
ive only recently discovered or become aware or begun to believe that i have awesometism. would like to meet others like myself , thinking about maybe joining a support group locally or something.
i find it funny with counsellors pushing positive stuff like a self belief...as in most cases a strong self belief and positive attitude can often be called a delusion by the very same counsellors and system, to which if they then diagnose it again which then would make them diagnose something else that has delusions.i think the system needs to think on delusion and self belief and consider whether they are one and the same.... AND motivation too.... alot of motivational things are self delusional ideas.
this is good, im trying to bring myself back a little bit from where i am confidence wise, ive been around some ex police lately and theyre very capable people so im aware that there are people smarter than me out there, i dont want to fall into the trap of having delusions of grandure and all that malark.
just trying to find a blanced centre for myself but it feels like i have to construct myself to some extent each morning, i dont know if this is a normal thing for autism?
i also feel like an imposter , do i have autism or am i just talking bollocks....
theres a frank turner song, reasons not to be an idiot -
youre not as messed up as you think you are,
your self absorbtion makes you messier
just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better
deep down youre just like everybody else
thank you for reply! apologies for grammar
im just starting to get depression now in the late mornings after ive got myself feeling stable, it feels like depression is a seperate thing, as long as i force myself to eat, exercise and workout and do some socialising that goes away until the next day too x its all complicated for me and just getting to grips with it, i feel a lot more understanding of myself if i do have autism because it fits how i feel and its harder for me to argue that i dont have it than to argue i do , thanks again for reply
could be a depression thing maybe, which often goes hand in hand with most conditions.depression could tear you down constantly and drain you of motivation energy and self belief or care.