Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't know if I'm allowed to make two topics in the same week. I am so thankful for this community. I am 40 and I bring this up not to brag. . .think of Cypher in the matrix for my analogy. My IQ isn't a gift, it's a curse that allowed me to mask in the matrix for 23 years of my 40 year life. In other words, it powered my masking, higher IQ, higher and stronger mask. It meant I gave EVERYTHING I had as a human being to EVERYONE I cared about even though I had to work at 150% for their 50% return. I am SO exhausted and even here I'm still masking my words because I brainwash myself to be that way my whole life and because I'm intelligent, I actually suffer MORE, while having to explain to them (NTs) that I'm not bragging, I'm literally beggin for understanding that greater intellect doesn't = greater life. Greater intellect for Autistics just means we burn the candle at BOTH ends until we are on the verge of death, then our choice is ACCEPT or death.Either I accept who I am or like the 2022 Australian government report on Autism shows, we do 15-20 years before NTs. I am so burned out. I am trying so hard in severe physical pain to reach out to you guys because I've got nothing left and I'm thankful I even found this place because it's akin to finding an Oasis in a damn dessert. I hope all of you are doing better than me...I never thought I'd have the energy to find a place I could be me in. I am so new to accepting my curses and gifts and I feel like my brain is literally ripped between masking me and the current reality, which is I am never going back to masked life, so how do I learn to deal with this strife???
Home working has made a massive difference to me with this. I spend 100% of my time in the office masking and trying to be the professional/humble/well adjusted worker they want but when I get home I actually physically cry because I'm so so tired of working AND having to put on a hypothetical play all day.
Working remotely has made the difference for a few reasons. One, it means I'm valued by the quality of my work, not my persona at work which feels RIGHT to me. Secondly, I can turn my camera off in meetings (a work adjustment for me) and this means I have to mask much less in meetings. I hardly have to mask at all nowadays.
This could potentially be terrible advice cause since I've started working from home, I never leave the house and don't really see my friends much. Bt it definitely made me feel more motivated with work and it's given me dreams and aspirations with my career that I previously thought would be impossible.
Thank you. It's not terrible advice. What you say makes perfect sense and I'm sorry you have to deal with such exhaustion at work that you literally burnout the moment you get home. I hope life gives you at least what you give because that means you get 150% which is my idea of a better life. If people only got what they give, this world would find balance between the givers(150%) and the takers (50%).I am just so burned out, I have zero support IRL. Walked away from all the fake friends 7 years ago, any family that I was feeding with my energy, I stopped giving that energy and lo and behold, they found other people to feed on rather than give me even 75% of what I gave them...I am just lost now and I'm thankful to have people like you that understand even if the advice doesn't apply to my life, you at least care about a total stranger, more effort in your response than those connected by blood give. Family really is an F word...
Kefka said:I am just so burned out, I have zero support IRL.
Have you tried therapy? Reading your comments makes me think you would benefit from connecting with your authentic self and realising that you don't need to do all this stuff for others - ease off on this and give more of that energy back to just being you.
Coming from such a long time masking I expect this to be difficult but with your self professed higher IQ you should be able to rationalise the situations and formulate appropriate responses with little mental effort.
With interations with difficult family members, setting boundaries is a key part of this.
A therapist with knowledge of autism is a huge ally in being able to realise all of this, but you have to be open to accepting help.
Between the therapist and this site I think you will have plenty of support to deal with all of this,
thank you Ian. I'm burned out right now but I want to say I agree 99% with what you say! I'll post further when I can, and thanks for the truth bomb my friend!