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Conversations in your head

pdaddio83
6 months ago

I'm suspecting I am on the autism spectrum, because my daughter is, and understanding her needs made me realise a lot more about myself seeming very similar. So I've been thinking a lot about what I actually do and how it wasn't as "normal" as I thought. One thing I do is basically have conversations in my head a lot, like I'm trying to imagine what the confident, neurotypical version of me would be like, does anyone else do this?

To explain further, here is what I mean. Depending on who I want to talk to, I'll feel different levels of anxiety - the more familiar I am with someone, the less anxious I'll be. But every time I will still follow this pattern:

  1. Before speaking - I'll map out the conversation in my head. In the past I would used to imagine both sides of the conversation (particularly with phone calls, I hate talking on the phone), but realised this was ridiculous because I can't foresee every possibility and I would just put it off. So I learned to at least think of the first thing I would say, then just have to push past any fear I had to carry on.
  2. During the conversation - I'm trying to focus on what the other person is saying, but also getting distracted by my own thoughts. Am I looking into their eyes too much (or not enough) is one thing I focus on. Sometimes they'll say something and I'll continue from that point in my head while they continue out loud. Eventually I'm focusing on my own internal conversation plus their external one, meaning I'm keeping track of too many things and getting distracted, then worrying if I'm paying enough attention to the other person.
  3. After speaking - then I'll dwell on speaking with that person long after it has finished. It doesn't matter if I felt it went well or not, either way I just replay that conversation in my head over and over again (which is better if it went well, it makes me feel better about myself).

I just don't imagine a neurotypical person doing any of this.

Parents
  • 6 months ago
    pdaddio83 said:
    I just don't imagine a neurotypical person doing any of this.

    Some do, but it is a common thing for neurodivergent people to do as we typically lack the social skills to be able to predict the flow of the conversation and like to anticipate the routes it will take so we can script our responses.

    I used to do this a lot but it takes up so much energy that I found myself exhausted and wasting too much time working on things that are unhelpful.

    Once I had my diagnosis of autism and read about scripting I quickly understood that stopping doing this gave a great trade off beween the stress of having to deal with conversations on the fly and expending time and energy scripting the responses that were rarely useful.

    Through applying mindfulness I have found a much better balance and my anxiety is much reduced these last few years.

    This is just my approach and it may not work for you.

Reply
  • 6 months ago
    pdaddio83 said:
    I just don't imagine a neurotypical person doing any of this.

    Some do, but it is a common thing for neurodivergent people to do as we typically lack the social skills to be able to predict the flow of the conversation and like to anticipate the routes it will take so we can script our responses.

    I used to do this a lot but it takes up so much energy that I found myself exhausted and wasting too much time working on things that are unhelpful.

    Once I had my diagnosis of autism and read about scripting I quickly understood that stopping doing this gave a great trade off beween the stress of having to deal with conversations on the fly and expending time and energy scripting the responses that were rarely useful.

    Through applying mindfulness I have found a much better balance and my anxiety is much reduced these last few years.

    This is just my approach and it may not work for you.

Children
  • 6 months ago in reply to Iain

    Although I feel I've been doing it most of my life I'd never heard the term "scripting" , makes a lot of sense.

    I always run previous interactions through my head worried about who I might have upset or given the wrong impression to etc. equally I play out all the potential ways a future situation might go so I can be armed with a response. These were very rarely used.

    The odd time I get into a situation I'm not expecting, anxiety is higher but I usually do ok, for example being asked to present something at work to a large audience with zero prep time. 

    It's positive to hear the anxiety dropped over time, I'll have to try and do this! Thanks for a great bit of advice!