Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
So I was only officially diagnosed with Autism 3 weeks ago and I'm 34. In all honesty, I don't know how I feel about it all. I guess I knew that would be the diagnosis so it didn't come as a surprise but I still don't know how I actually feel about it.... I kind of think 'it is what it is'. My Mum has said she guessed I may have autism when I was young but no doctors, school, etc picked it up.
But the reason I started this discussion is because earlier this evening my mum told me, when I asked, that yes she'd told her closest friends about my autism diagnosis. Only thing is a few of her closest friends happen to be the mums of my friends. So there's a good chance those friends have now told their daughters/sons (my friends) about my diagnosis. My mum also told me and the rest of the family that she'd had a bad health diagnosis herself and needs surgery for it soon. And I feel like that news hasn't really set in yet - my siblings, Nan and uncle were in tears but I just don't feel anything really yet.
But what I do feel, is annoyed. Because if I went to my friend (who I'm seeing tomorrow) and told her about my mum's diagnosis and then she went home and told her mum (my mum's friend) before my mum had had a chance to tell her friend herself, she would be sooo angry and upset about it. And yet my mum has told her friends about my autism diagnosis, not thinking 'oh they might well tell their daughters/sons who are my daughter's friends' - I just feel like my autism diagnosis is my news to tell my friends if I wish to. And it just angers me that my mum has openly discussed my diagnosis with her friends and yet she tells me not to discuss her diagnosis with my friends. And I tried to bring this point up with my mum a couple of times and each time she's said 'I'm not having this discussion'. I know I should be worrying and reacting to my mum's news at the moment and not thinking about myself. but I just can't help feeling sooo annoyed about this.
Am I being unfair about this?
Hi L, I would like to offer my opinioon on this. No you are not bieng unfair. An Autism dioagnosis is a significnat impact of your life, even if you already think you have the condition and it feles to me like it is bieng shared inappropriatly. It feels from the outside as if your mother is making your autism her biurden, and then burdenining you with her dsignosis.
I wish I could offer some sugestions on how to mange the situatuon, but that is far more complex. I know that when my daughetter was diagnosed as an adult, she really strugled with her mother's side of the family talking about her in the thrid party and making her autism their burden.My daughter and I still haven't found a way to help that side of the family understand they need to supprot her and not use her diagnosis as an excuse tfor their own upset.
I agree with both of the above posts, yes your mum probably did feel the need to confide in someone, she probably didn't think that either they'd tell others, many of whom are your friends, or that this could be a problem for you.
Also any sort of diagnosis but particularly one thats life changing can be intensly private, you may feel the need to sit with it for a time and find out where you are with it, before having to deal with other people's questions and assumptions.
There are definately people who want to take everyone elses problems on thier own shoulders and get in a monumental flap about it all. Many people have a sort of hive mind with friends and family, this can manifest by telling everybody as in the OP, or they can react in the way of the above post and gather around to try and reinforce family norms. Maybe the best way is to try and keep some distance between your wifes family and yourselves.
L, I think that you need to tell your mum that you need to have this conversation now, or at least understand her reasons for not wanting to have it. It will probably cause a row, but it maybe a case of you simmering with resentment or a row, only you can decide which is preferable. Your Mum probably feels the need to be private with her own diagnosis, a privacy she didn't afford you, she may be struggling with her diagnosis, and she needs to understand that you are too and that you need people to talk about it too, ask her who you can talk about it to and tell her that you need support to enable you to support her?