Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m sure nobody likes conflict but I feel that as an autistic person it’s something I handle particularly badly. I get into a panicky state and I am quick to apologise, even over-apologise, whether I am in the wrong or not. I become overwhelmed with guilt and self-hate. The last conflict I led me to experiencing signs of (passive) suicide ideation as I felt so bad about myself. I won’t call out the other person’s behaviour as I just want to “fix” the situation as quickly as possible. Instead I roll over for them and allow them to walk all over me. I really hate that I’m like this, it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.
Thanks for all the replies so far. Honestly, it’s getting to the point where I’ve considered shutting myself in and not making any “unnecessary” interactions with other people, including online interactions, just to minimise the risk of being involved in any conflict.
Conflict is a normal part of existence. The only way to eliminate conflict is to live in a padded cell, but that's not much of a living. My mother was deathly afraid of conflict too, she was stoned with Lorazepam 24/7 and allowed the most horrible things to happen in her house. Now she's dead, good riddance.