Published on 12, July, 2020
I opened up to my therapist yesterday about how I grew attached to her. I said I saw her as like a maternal figure and I wished that I had the components she has as an individual in a friend.
She appreciated my honesty and bravery, and she understood where I was coming from.
What I found interesting was that I felt quite emotional *after* the session (as well as during it) because I found it quite hard to cope with the reality of the fact she's never going to be anything other than my therapist.
It's a funny time in my life as I have no support network (for reasons I'm unwilling to go into - it is partly through choice), so I've leant on her as the only person I'm willing to open up to about anything. I'm trusting of her, I know she's not judging me, and she'll validate the things I'm feeling.
Maybe something to bring up next week. I think there's a degree of grief - I know that if the sessions ended tomorrow or she had to take an extended break, I'd be a complete wreck. I've been disregulated whenever she's taken time out before (obviously not her fault, more mine for the situation I'm in).
I can understand this.
My therapy ended in January. The last session was odd as we both knew we’d be saying goodbye and at the end she got slightly emotional but I did a weird handshake goodbye thing. Proper Sheldon Cooper stuff.
And now I feel adrift because she was the only person who really had any insight into my life and I have no one to help me process things.
We had a 9 week break last summer which I coped quite badly with, and it'd probably be the same if the sessions ended before I wanted them to.
I know I'll be using her for as long as I need to because I don't want anyone in my personal life to take on the burden of being like a therapist.
That’s her job so it’s not a problem if you can afford it. I always struggle with knowing that they’re only being nice to me because it’s their job which is why I was surprised she got emotional when we ended.
But seriously she is there to be your crutch and there’s no shame in it.
Yeah, the embarrassment and discomfort I had has gone but the sentiments I express in my OP are stronger now.
I obviously accept that ethically she's never going to be my friend but I still feel sad. And I still wish she was.
We still talk about it though.