Published on 12, July, 2020
Caveat: this is my experience and I don't intend to speak for anyone else.
Bullying, which for me was 99% verbal, is always difficult to deal with but I don't know if the act itself is what bothers me the most.
It's the fact no one stuck up for me. I get it to an extent; if you see it going on (either online or in-person), you may not wish to get involved because then *you'll* get attacked.
But it leaves me feeling like everyone hates me, and like I deserved it. There may have been times where I did deserve it because no one close to me validated how I was feeling; I may have done something not worth defending but I could have done with someone defending me as a human being. I didn't (and don't) feel like it's worth it anymore, like I'm useless.
Just some thoughts.
I'm so sorry you've been bullied and it's understandable that it's affecting you so deeply. Bullying scars and the pain can last a lifetime. I have been bullied in person and online which has caused me mental problems since becoming an adult. I find it hard to trust people now and am always suspicious of them and their intentions, though I have suffered abuse too so it might be related to that but I expect the bullying is linked in there too.
You aren't alone in this. Autistic people seem to be bullied a lot, maybe because we are trusting people and that's used against us.
It's worse when the online stuff came from other autistic people.