Published on 12, July, 2020
Caveat: this is my experience and I don't intend to speak for anyone else.
Bullying, which for me was 99% verbal, is always difficult to deal with but I don't know if the act itself is what bothers me the most.
It's the fact no one stuck up for me. I get it to an extent; if you see it going on (either online or in-person), you may not wish to get involved because then *you'll* get attacked.
But it leaves me feeling like everyone hates me, and like I deserved it. There may have been times where I did deserve it because no one close to me validated how I was feeling; I may have done something not worth defending but I could have done with someone defending me as a human being. I didn't (and don't) feel like it's worth it anymore, like I'm useless.
Just some thoughts.
I was bullied at school. I was pale, had a natural deep voice, wore gloves all the time because of skin sensitivity and my mum was mentally ill so I was a prime target for bullies to go for.
Bullying can have an overwhelming negatively impact on a person and in later life can cause things like depression, social anxiety, PTSD and more. When someone bullies they don't think about how it might affect the person they are bullying, then again they often have their own problems already, hence they are bullying.
On one day in particular the bullying went from verbal to physical. It was unexpected and just escalated. I hadn't said anything, I always stayed silent and waited for the insults to pass but on this day they physically attacked me, hitting and pulling my hair. There were several other girls nearby, only one actually moved in to help and she ended up with a bleeding nose and lip.
After that day I now knew why no one before had stepped in to help me when they fired insults. I felt so sorry for that girl and I felt even more ashamed because I felt like it was all my fault.
Online I think people are scared of being attacked and losing their popularity status if they help out. I don't do social media anymore though. Way, way too toxic an environment.
I'm sorry you've been bullied. It's really unfair and people do care about you it's just very few are willing to get involved for different reasons.
I hope you're ok x
I actually found the online part more difficult to deal with. I didn't think I'd say I'd prefer the school bullying - at least in that case, I know I didn't do anything wrong aside from existing.
It'd be easier to brush off anything horrible if I had a protective shield around me. I have very rarely had that.
My argument was always "I messed up, so I basically asked for it" but I don't think there's any justification for having thousands of strangers screaming at you, feeling like everyone is against you. I still feel like it - there was no one in my personal life who properly validated how I was feeling, and there still hasn't been.
I appreciate your kind words. I'm not coping particularly well but I'm glad I have my therapist.
Unfortunately online it's a group, they follow each other, listen to each other and if someone points the finger at someone and calls them out then everybody else does the exact same thing. One starts it and the rest is like dominoes, down they go one by one. Half probably don't know who it's about, or the circumstances, they just do it because everyone else has.
Plus I think you get attacked if you don't join in. I'm not on any social media and I don't miss it. I might go back but on a private account.
It quickly felt like people were treating it as a game, like they were taking joy from it.