Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’ve never posted on here before, I’m hoping someone will be able to share things that have helped/their experiences so I feel a bit less defeatist.
I’m in my late twenties and am on the waitlist for an autism assessment. I’ve been struggling badly with what I think is burnout for the past 6 months which was put down to anxiety/ various MH conditions for a long time.
Today I had a shutdown in public (at work) for the first time in a long time. I’ve had them for a long time, but they were usually referred to as either panic attacks or dissociative episodes, and I’ve gotten used to spotting them over the years and being able to take myself out of public situations in time. Today, everything went wrong and I feel like I’ve outed myself in front of my whole office.
It’s really shaken me, not being able to catch it quickly enough, and I’m feeling really overwhelmed now. I need to go back to work tomorrow, and not sure how I’ll face it.
Has anyone had an experience like this? Does this get better with diagnosis and support? I guess I’m just looking to hear if people have experienced this while waiting for diagnosis, this feeling of knowing this is probably what is causing all the distress (from sensory overload, constantly masking etc) in your life, but being unsure if there’s something coming that will make it easier at some point?
(sorry this is a fairly low energy post, I promise I’m less of a downer when I don’t feel like I’ve exploded my life in front of all my colleagues and manager)
I think so. I posted some time ago that when i was waiting for diagnosis I felt like Schrödinger's cat, simultaneously autistic and not autistic, with two different futures in my head simultaneously, not knowing which would crystalise.
When I arrived at the clinic to receive my result I realised that it didn't really matter whether it was a yes or a no, because it wouldn't change the challenges I face or the life I have lived. I did take some comfort in receiving the explanation for why I had those challenges though.
Unfortunately there isn't much in the way of support for autistic adults. Everything seems to be focussed on children so I feel I've lost out twice - not being identified as a child and not receiving any support as an adult.
That’s my worry with waiting for as assessment like it will solve things - I know that whether it’s autism or another sensory issues/MH condition that I’m experiencing these things, I wonder whether waiting for an assessment will just give me a label with no support. I mean, I’ll take it, I know so many people struggle to even be taken seriously enough to even get a referral.
If nothing else it has allowed me to be more compassionate to myself and acknowledge that the difficulties I have face are real and not just because I'm a poor excuse for a person. My direct boss at work has also been understanding and supportive. Worth it for that alone.