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Looking for reassurance

12345678

Hi, 

I’ve never posted on here before, I’m hoping someone will be able to share things that have helped/their experiences so I feel a bit less defeatist.

I’m in my late twenties and am on the waitlist for an autism assessment. I’ve been struggling badly with what I think is burnout for the past 6 months which was put down to anxiety/ various MH conditions for a long time. 

Today I had a shutdown in public (at work) for the first time in a long time. I’ve had them for a long time, but they were usually referred to as either panic attacks or dissociative episodes, and I’ve gotten used to spotting them over the years and being able to take myself out of public situations in time. Today, everything went wrong and I feel like I’ve outed myself in front of my whole office. 

It’s really shaken me, not being able to catch it quickly enough, and I’m feeling really overwhelmed now. I need to go back to work tomorrow, and not sure how I’ll face it. 

Has anyone had an experience like this? Does this get better with  diagnosis and support? I guess I’m just looking to hear if people have experienced this while waiting  for diagnosis, this feeling of knowing this is probably what is causing all the distress (from sensory overload, constantly masking etc) in your life, but being unsure if there’s something coming that will make it easier at some point? 

(sorry this is a fairly low energy post, I promise I’m less of a downer when I don’t feel like I’ve exploded my life in front of all my colleagues and manager) 

  • in reply to 12345678

    It was at the start, but with practice...

    The neurotypicals just grow a personality unthinkingly, for me it seems I've had to DIY.. 

  • in reply to I Sperg

    Thanks for sharing, that sounds like a hard mask to keep up! 

  • in reply to A

    Unfortunately, you just described my mask!

    "Deep down" I'm a curmudgeonly, sometimes rage filled person, seething with resentment at the crappy deal I got and planning or implementing my revenge on the world...

    But the "mask" took on a life of it's own and sometimes I can't tell which is the real me after all... ;c)

  • in reply to 12345678

    If nothing else it has allowed me to be more compassionate to myself and acknowledge that the difficulties I have face are real and not just because I'm a poor excuse for a person. My direct boss at work has also been understanding and supportive. Worth it for that alone.

  • in reply to A

    That’s my worry with waiting for as assessment like it will solve things - I know that whether it’s autism or another sensory issues/MH condition that I’m experiencing these things, I wonder whether waiting for an assessment will just give me a label with no support. I mean, I’ll take it, I know so many people struggle to even be taken seriously enough to even get a referral. 

  • in reply to A

    That’s a nicer way of looking at it - I guess I don’t always see eccentric behaviour as being terrible, it can often be charming. Thanks for reframing a bit for me 

  • in reply to I Sperg
    I Sperg said:
    From what I've seen from the more durable public figures and politicians, the more bizzarre your behaviour is, the less you need to acknowledge it! 

    You know, this is a really insightful comment! I know some "eccentric" people who can behave any way they like and everyone finds it quite charming and says "oh it's just Bob, he's a character".  One such person at work is about as close as I have to a friend and when I told him I was going through the autism diagnosis process he basically said of course you are, why do you need a bit of paper.

    It's hard to reinvent yourself / behave differently and more authentically in a job or social group where your masked self is already established, but perhaps with a new job or social group we should become that eccentric charming person that we know we are deep down.

  • in reply to A

    Well, you might have suffered those losses, but you sure are not stupid, and you've a great cat (one of the stars of my little thread, IMHO)

    More and more I'm seeing my life as Bridge* hand, and even the two of clubs can be handy if you play it right...

    *Old person card game. Even when I was young...

  • From what I've seen from the more durable public figures and politicians, the more bizzarre your behaviour is, the less you need to acknowledge it! 

    So if it was really bad, you'd better practcie your poker face and pretend that nothing out of teh ordniary happened, adn if you can blame a colleague or deflect focus away from what YOU did and onto what someone else MIGHT HAVE DONE, you are golden!

    If you are a wuss like me, then some sort of conciliatory repsonse where you accept responsibilty and admit weakness is on the cards, but there's still weak and strong ways of doing that. If you can do it with good humour, and a bit of embarrassment about your limitations or behaviour rather than coming across as a pathetic person it seems to work better.  

  • I think so. I posted some time ago that when i was waiting for diagnosis I felt like Schrödinger's cat, simultaneously autistic and not autistic, with two different futures in my head simultaneously, not knowing which would crystalise.

    When I arrived at the clinic to receive my result I realised that it didn't really matter whether it was a yes or a no, because it wouldn't change the challenges I face or the life I have lived. I did take some comfort in receiving the explanation for why I had those challenges though.

    Unfortunately there isn't much in the way of support for autistic adults. Everything seems to be focussed on children so I feel I've lost out twice - not being identified as a child and not receiving any support as an adult.