Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm a parent to a nearly 19 year old ASD young man. He's dropped out of education, won't engage with life, job searches etc. I suspect he's depressed and have spoken to the GP about this. The GP can do nothing unless my son seeks help for himself. He won't engage with friends, never leaves the house, promises to apply for jobs/apprenticeships etc but lacks the initiative to do so. His behaviour towards us, his parents has got worse and worse. He speaks to us like we're something he'd wipe off the bottom of his shoe, or walks away when we're trying to speak to him. He knows he is loved unconditionally and we're not going to throw him out, so he can get away with anything, right? How can we encourage him to get help/engage/be nice?
Speaking for myself, as a former 19 year old ASD man, there was this difficult feeling of wanting control of my own routine, and I was willing to sabotage myself and alienate others to do it. The problem is that routine I wanted was to meander and do nothing but whatever provided catharsis. I knew that I was damaging myself. I knew that I needed to do other things, or I'd regret it one day. But instead of finding the drive to work and meet goals, I convinced myself that not only was it pointless to try, but thinking in any degree that I could succeed was wilfully ignorant.
That's where the contradiction comes in. Now 12 years later, I find myself wishing that my parents had tried harder to get through to me, to keep me moving forward. I know I would have fought them tooth and nail, but this desperate feeling of wasted time is a constant wear these days. I'm right now studying things I could have learned over a decade ago, when my life had good momentum to it.
I understand you might be concerned about pushing too hard. He's developing his sense of what makes the world "right" to him, and anything that goes against that is a threat. The best I can suggest is that you're going to need to strike a balance of directing him, without making him feel like his hand is being held, or breaking his equilibrium. Plan with him ahead of time to work on things at a specific time. Help him get it in his head "At this time, this is what should be happening.". He might not like it, but giving him plenty of time to process it should make it easier.