Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm a parent to a nearly 19 year old ASD young man. He's dropped out of education, won't engage with life, job searches etc. I suspect he's depressed and have spoken to the GP about this. The GP can do nothing unless my son seeks help for himself. He won't engage with friends, never leaves the house, promises to apply for jobs/apprenticeships etc but lacks the initiative to do so. His behaviour towards us, his parents has got worse and worse. He speaks to us like we're something he'd wipe off the bottom of his shoe, or walks away when we're trying to speak to him. He knows he is loved unconditionally and we're not going to throw him out, so he can get away with anything, right? How can we encourage him to get help/engage/be nice?
Another idea is for a college course on life skills, or if he is high functioning and able to budget and cook etc, then a course that is connected to one of his interests perhaps, But only if he wants to
He should not be feeling pressure to get a job, he might not be able to ever cope with a job. Instead encourage him in his special interests for example does he like music, or Star Trek? or lego. Then see if there is a career he could follow with regards to that special interest. Sometimes though it is impossible for autistics to work and it is too stressful. so take the pressure off him. i would suggest offering for an autistic specialist to talk to him.
The more pressure you put on him I am afraid the worst he will become, because he will be feeling stressed and unable to cope. Let him talk about his special interest and let him be alone and quiet for a while and calm down his environment.
We are autistics, not neurotypicals. for neurotypicals jobs and friends are important. For some autistics a friend or two might do for us, but there are lots of autistics who dont like socialising, at all. That is NORMAL for us and we can be happy on our own.
What you are doing to him is the same as an if the roles were reversed, and he was encouraging you not to work and stay in a quiet room focusing on one interest or two and telling you not to see friends or socialise. You if your neurotypical (not autistic) would feel isolated and upset. try to see it from his world.
I would tell him about this site and he might feel happy to pop on here and chat to all his fellow autistics, he might find some support on here.
Speaking for myself, as a former 19 year old ASD man, there was this difficult feeling of wanting control of my own routine, and I was willing to sabotage myself and alienate others to do it. The problem is that routine I wanted was to meander and do nothing but whatever provided catharsis. I knew that I was damaging myself. I knew that I needed to do other things, or I'd regret it one day. But instead of finding the drive to work and meet goals, I convinced myself that not only was it pointless to try, but thinking in any degree that I could succeed was wilfully ignorant.
That's where the contradiction comes in. Now 12 years later, I find myself wishing that my parents had tried harder to get through to me, to keep me moving forward. I know I would have fought them tooth and nail, but this desperate feeling of wasted time is a constant wear these days. I'm right now studying things I could have learned over a decade ago, when my life had good momentum to it.
I understand you might be concerned about pushing too hard. He's developing his sense of what makes the world "right" to him, and anything that goes against that is a threat. The best I can suggest is that you're going to need to strike a balance of directing him, without making him feel like his hand is being held, or breaking his equilibrium. Plan with him ahead of time to work on things at a specific time. Help him get it in his head "At this time, this is what should be happening.". He might not like it, but giving him plenty of time to process it should make it easier.
The problem is, that you probably should throw him out. This behaviour is going to keep spiralling until he starts acting like an adult.
Your son is me at 19. I was stealing money from my parents, drinking 3L of cider a day, doing pretty much nothing with my life except self destructing. Then one day my mother forced me in the car, took me to the council offices and told them to find me a flat because she was making me homeless. That one thing saved my life, although it took me about 10 years to reach that point of realisation and in between that i almost ended up in jail and dead at one point. But that is part of life. It's what you do after the realisation.
You have to help your son to help himself. If that means you throw him out, then that is just how it is. You won't stop loving him, but until he learns how to treat others properly, you can't allow him to treat you badly. Some lessons are just going to be hard to learn. But that's part of the natural migration from child to adult. If you don't do something it will get worse and ultimately you won't help him, he will get worse to the point where maybe he does end up institutionalised, either in a hospital or prison.
Depression isn't an excuse as it is treatable.
At that age, his hormones are raging. He wants to be 'The Man', but usually ends up with the wrong crowd.
Does he have any interests? That will determine his future career path. He needs to utilise his energy. Otherwise, he could turn off the wall.