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Neurotypical seeking advice on navigating a new relationship with an autistic individual.

NAS91614
8 months ago

Hi there, for a little background, I have known this person for some time, and we have had a friendship which has crossed over into something more on a number of occasions. We’ve recently decided to try giving a relationship a go (long distance).

I am finding this hard to navigate as we rely on mostly texting and can’t see each other often. After doing some research I think they may be in autistic burnout, and have shared their mental state is quite bad. I know when they feel low they tend to shut off.

I crave connection and reassurance as I am a very anxious person and I now realise I handled their quietness totally wrong, I tried repeatedly to engage in conversation when really I should’ve given them space.

I feel awful because I so want this to work out, but I’m struggling with very minimal conversation and not knowing how they feel about me a lot of the time. 

Am I making their mental health worse with the pressure of a new relationship? Is there a way through this? Am I asking too much if I want them to let me know how they feel about me more often? How can I be there for them, whilst giving them space and also not feeling totally alone myself?

I have the best of intentions are care about them so much but I feel very stuck with how we are, and yet I don’t want to give up, because I want them to know I care whether they are sad, happy, depressed or anything else in between. 

Parents
  • 8 months ago

    Right.

    They're burnt out. This is a long distance relationship. It's also a new relationship.

    Both of your worlds are bigger than this one new relationship.

    This is not going to work if you are relying on each other to meet your needs.

    They need space? Give it to them. Worried they're not getting their other needs met? That's gonna come from other people in their lives. Ask about that. Reassure yourself that they're either fine or making the moves they need to make to get themselves fine.

    You need connection? Reach out to others and get it.

    Now you have a foundation of free and fun association. Throw your concept of time out the window and let them know they can reply to your messages whenever or never. Don't let them feel guilty or anxious about neurotypical message answering expectations. Design your messages to give joy not express concern. Send things they might find funny. Ask them what they've been thinking about recently. Share silly fun things from your life that you want to share with someone.

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