Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there, for a little background, I have known this person for some time, and we have had a friendship which has crossed over into something more on a number of occasions. We’ve recently decided to try giving a relationship a go (long distance).
I am finding this hard to navigate as we rely on mostly texting and can’t see each other often. After doing some research I think they may be in autistic burnout, and have shared their mental state is quite bad. I know when they feel low they tend to shut off.
I crave connection and reassurance as I am a very anxious person and I now realise I handled their quietness totally wrong, I tried repeatedly to engage in conversation when really I should’ve given them space.
I feel awful because I so want this to work out, but I’m struggling with very minimal conversation and not knowing how they feel about me a lot of the time.
Am I making their mental health worse with the pressure of a new relationship? Is there a way through this? Am I asking too much if I want them to let me know how they feel about me more often? How can I be there for them, whilst giving them space and also not feeling totally alone myself?
I have the best of intentions are care about them so much but I feel very stuck with how we are, and yet I don’t want to give up, because I want them to know I care whether they are sad, happy, depressed or anything else in between.
You are very welcome!
Thank you, I checked in and they needed some space from the outside world to reset, it’s a work in progress for me in navigating my responses but things are feeling better
This has given me a different perspective I really needed. I’ve given them space and am busying myself with my own interests in the meantime, things seem more positive now I’m focusing less on the negatives - thank you
Thank you, sorry to hear about your relationship, sending positivity your way
Thank you I’ll take a look :)
Thank you :) x
Great advice x
Hi! You may find these articles below helpful, which give you an insight into the autistic perspective in relationships:
https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/your-autistic-loved-one-may-not-know-youre-trying-to-communicate-with-them-non-verbally/https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/your-autistic-loved-one-doesnt-know-what-youre-reacting-to-and-its-causing-trauma/
Tell them you love them unconditionally. You will always be there for them. Ask them what they need from you in terms of their Autistic difficulties, and then if they do not reciprocate I guess it is a sign they are not the right person you, but I will you assume they will, and have a toast to your success.
Right. They're burnt out. This is a long distance relationship. It's also a new relationship.Both of your worlds are bigger than this one new relationship. This is not going to work if you are relying on each other to meet your needs. They need space? Give it to them. Worried they're not getting their other needs met? That's gonna come from other people in their lives. Ask about that. Reassure yourself that they're either fine or making the moves they need to make to get themselves fine.You need connection? Reach out to others and get it. Now you have a foundation of free and fun association. Throw your concept of time out the window and let them know they can reply to your messages whenever or never. Don't let them feel guilty or anxious about neurotypical message answering expectations. Design your messages to give joy not express concern. Send things they might find funny. Ask them what they've been thinking about recently. Share silly fun things from your life that you want to share with someone.
Hi,
If you have concerns now and they won't communicate, you need to think if this is really in both your best interests. My Aspie souse just left me afte 14+ years and now I have lost everything I invested and I will be broke and homeless. My Aspie Spouse did communicate until the last 5 weeks when they did the exact behaviour and worse you are describing. Communication is key and an NT can make their own mental health worse by always putting the non-NT first.
Likewise, i know some nt aspie marriages that are thriving and they have 2 children severly on the spectrum. Commnuication is key.
Good luck.