Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi me again. Since my last post re my boyfriend just breaking up with me. I have spoken to his mum. She was very surprised and heartbroken over the way he ended it with me. My boyfriend obviously not telling his parents that he had ended it via text and said he never wanted to see or speak to me again. His versions of events to his parents are just not what happened. He says my family is drama especially my mother. He has told me he does not want to visit my family because they are so much drama , to his parents he has said I don’t want to visit her family as I barely have time to visit my own. Whilst he was ending it with me he told me ny mother was a liar a gossip , she interfered in our relationship and he also did not come to my house because he disliked her, to his parents he said he has respect for my mother, she was a good person but he is worried that in the future she wiil interfere in our relationship. We had gone away over Xmas, he said I was moody and he had to bite his tongue, however when asked to give examples he couldn’t give them ?? I thought we had a great time . He said I am sarcastic, he can’t stick it about me and he’s asked me to change and I don’t . He’s told his parents we argue all the time. We don’t but he wiil bring up arguments from weeks ago if we argue and say I alm doing stuff again. I have literally picked through the relationship, thinking have I done this or that. His parents say he fixates on things as he has done with my mother and he will not change his mind . He has cut me out of his life after 3 years with literally no contact , I must have meant nothing to him. And to end it because of something that ‘may ‘ happen . Is this normal for Asperger’s ? I am utterly devastated.
I haven't read your other post, sorry. I don't know if it's normal for autistic people or not but I don't think it's ok. Maybe he needs help, talking to someone, a professional, but that is not your duty. You should talk to your friends, or family about this, don't worry alone. A breakup is hard in any situation, and this feels like a bad one, take some time to enjoy yourself, try and distract yourself from your thoughts. I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice though. You can't change what happened as long as you tried your best then that is enough, it sounds like you are a caring person, which is amazing, and something to be proud of. There are probably a thousand possible reasons why this happened, all out of your control. I don't know if this is right or not, but my current thinking is that even if aspergers may be able to explain his actions, it doesn't excuse them, he still hurt you and that is not ok.
Thank you so much for your reply. I am at my wits end as the version of events he has given his parents are so far removed from what happened. And to just like literally cut me off after 3 years and we had gone away and honeslty had a good time. If we hadn’t I would be honest and say. He says we argue all the time, but he stores up arguments from like a month before. My family are drama because my parents are divorcing but his mother does not spesk to her brother and both his parents are not fussed on his dad’s sister, but I wouldn’t see that as drama. It’s just what happens in famalies. I have seen him through 3 years of grief as he lost a sibling , however when things get tough for me as in my parents, I also lost a grandparent on Xmas day, he’s cut me off . After I told him about my grandparent Xmas day, he never asked another thing , but a how I was feeling or when the funeral was
Nobody can tell you why he did what he did, other then him. Maybe it was just a failure in communication. I don't quite know how you are feeling, but I would be scared and hurt and trying to figure everything out, and it would be hard to move on. It sounds like you thought he was autistic but he didn't want to get a diagnosis. My thoughts are that is his responsibility, there are probably reasons why he didn't want to get a diagnosis, but those should be explored with a professional. As hard is it sounds what you really need to do is get away from him for a bit, meet up with friends if you have any, wear some comfy clothes and read a good book, with some hot chocolate, something that you enjoy doing, becuase worrying about it isn't really helping you, you are only making the rut deeper in your mind and the best way to fix it is to do something else. Anything else to stop yourself from falling. I like to believe in the philosophy of stoicism, control what you can control, and let go of what you can't. You can control your actions, and the fact that you are on here because you care so much about them and are so worried about this, is a good thing. It means your human, it means you are an amazing person, and you should be proud of yourself for that. You can't control what he did, but you can control how you view what he did. Maybe it just wasn't right for him, that's ok, you need to prioritise your own happiness it is not your responsibility to be his carer, your supposed to be there to make each other happy, not for one of you to be constantly be putting out the others messes. View it as just something that happens on your journey through life, as long as you focus on doing better, being better today then tomorrow then that is enough. You might like to read worry by edward hallowell, the art of living by epictetus, anything by thich nhat hanh, or if your prefer movies you might like to watch anything by studio ghibli. Make sure to take care of yourself, getting enough sleep, eating properly, talking to your friends, or family. Be honest with yourself about how you are doing. Ask for help if you need it, you don't have to worry alone.
I don't know if this is helpful or not, this may just be pure speculation on my part. What might have happened is that there is a divide, if he is autistic then you probably did things, and he did things that caused friction, that couldn't be explained why it happened. You sort of just ignored it hoping it would go away, but it didn't solve the underlying problem. If he is autistic then it is ok to make accomodations in a relationship, understanding where you struggle, and what your strengths are and accepting them, not trying to hide them. Working together to bridge the divide not trying to ignore it. By ignoring it on his part, it may have just built up and up, and he couldn't quite express what was happening, what was going wrong. This is why a diagnosis is useful, it can tell you your brain isn't broken, what aspects you can control and what you can't by trying to avoid it, it built up like a snowball, until it got large enough that things fell apart. He didn't have a safe outlet for his emotions, to vent them harmlessly so they built up. I don't think anybody is to blame, it is just what happens, the only thing you can do is move forward, accepting what happened and trying to be happy. I don't think it excuses that behaviour either, it was wrong and it is ok to feel hurt about that. I don't really know if this is what happened though. I wish you the best, and I will leave you with this story.
A persian king ruled his realm with legendary wisdom, among his subjects was a man who really wanted to know what lay behind the kings wise rule. The man wandered for weeks until he reached the king's palace, where he was finally granted an audience. When the man knelt before the king, he asked: "What is the secret behind your just, auspicious and celebrated way of ruling our country, honored King?" The king took off his gold ring, gave it to the visitor and said: "You will find my secret inside this ring." The man held the inside of the ring up to light and read aloud: "This too shall pass."
Nothing lasts. Everything is impermanent. That's the bad news. But also the good news.