Published on 12, July, 2020
So I have had a few years now where I've found longstanding friendships toxic or untenable and I'm beginning to wonder if some of it is my rigid sense of justice and not really understanding how people and conflict work.
Examples:
Couple who wanted every plan to fit in with them and asked me to change a Halloween party date for them post invites going out. I decided this was unfriendly.
Old friend who always dropped me for new friends/partners.
Friend who forgot it was my birthday then told me I hadn't been considerate enough to her children with my choice of venue (I had already changed date and venue for them).
Couple who, when one got drunk and told me I couldn't be in love with my boyfriend because I make interactions so "scientific", tell me I'm blowing things out of proportion when I said I felt like I'd been betrayed and it had damaged my mental health and could they stop bringing it up.
I realise coming from me these all seem very justified but I am aware there is a pattern of me not understanding why these wrong things keep happening and why it seems the norm to just move past it and that the onus is on me to carry on the friendship like normal?
I am very confused but also know I can't just cut every person out because I haven't tried to understand how things work.
I just keep getting told I'm overreacting or being sensitive when people upset me. It always turns into me being asked if I've thought about how my getting upset and wanting to withdraw (because of something someone did!) Is affecting others and the strength of my relationships gets called into question.
It makes me feel awful but also, because I keep losing friends I have to ask if I'm the problem??
If only more of us had your wisdom, Stellar!
You certainly HAVE the problem...
It's a common one. I'm sure we can help you work it over time..
Haha lacking wisdom for certain at this moment!
I suppose I try to compromise and understand I may struggle with people and relationship dynamics due to ASD, but the way people turn on me, I dont want to be stupid sitting behind my ASD shield not realising I'm actually fostering bad behaviours separate from any neurodiversity.
But from comments it seems like people think truly inclusive friends wouldn't make me feel like a massive problem. They might approach things I'm not doing great to discuss but I wouldn't feel like my feeling pain, disappointment and overwhelm was somehow me being a nasty person.
This is all very exhausting. I feel quite vulnerable to making friends who do not look after my psychological safety.
I appreciate the responses. I felt like I was going mad!!