Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction

Good point, well made.

FFS.......Don't Panic mate !!  Panic is never a good thing !!!

Allow yourself to "earnestly contemplate", or "consider deeply".....but never panic.

Don't presume that there is something that needs to be fixed (ie is broken,) because that can be hard.

Do presume that perhaps something need to change (ie swapped out,) because that can be easy.

In my experience this is one of the dips on the post diagnostic emotional rollercoaster. The realisation that autism isn't a magic answer that's going to fix everything. You are still the same person as before with the same life struggles and challenges as before.

Try not to panic. This stage will pass and hopefully lead to much improved self acceptance.

So sorry you feel alone, do you at least feel some connection in this community?

No, I am very much alone and starting to panic because I realise it’s not fixable 

I am sorry you feel that way, you seem to have not found your group/tribe then?

It feels like a massive life-ruining deficit to me

I'm not really sure how I "get away with it" with humans.  I've done, whatever it is that I've done, for so long now, that it isn't concious........EXCEPT when I do suddenly "link eyes" with someone!  Then it feels too weirdly intimate and creepy most of the time - although context is everything - and I can hide my sense of WTAF sufficiently well that people don't (generally) realise.  I am deemed quite "full on" IRL I think, and that's without meeting peoples eyes.

Thank you.

MrSolo said:

As autistic people, we don't have communication deficits, we have communication differences.

Absolutely! Couldn’t agree more!

I have friends and an active social life, and have had partners. The answer to how is that everyone I interact with socially is neurodivergent.

As autistic people, we don't have communication deficits, we have communication differences. Studies have shown that information transfer between two autistic people is just as good as between two neurotypicals.

Yes, the perils of masking! The new friend may come to feel betrayed in a way and one feels in ones self to have been an imposter with the fear of discovery and the stress of holding up the mask ever present when trying to make friends without telling the prospective friend of our AD brains.

.

These days I  lead with it, just get it out of the way. Or I ask one of my other friends to let it be known quietly so it's known and I don't have to negotiate awkward moments. Up until the late 90's this was not always wise or did not always meet with good will and accommodation but my odds of success are greater now.

.

Part of it is that NT peeps are just as baffled as we are when trying to get cozy with each other. it's like 2 different operating systems looking for ways to interface. No one's fault, just different OS.

.

Masking is is a problem for many AS women. In my childhood, teen years (in the '50, '60s) girls did not enjoy the social licentiousness that boys did so they needed to cultivate masking and were expected to master it  as a survival strategy. - truth is that many NT women my age do this too.

.

At a news paper I worked at I tried to mask but was very bad at it. Often I could not work at all, hiding in the bathroom. I did alright when I had a workshop and fixed movie cameras, projectors  and tascam 4 tracks, walkmans and the like all day by myself.  Got disability early enough to be helpful -except with making friends till more recently. 

.

I always had/have friends in the arts and letters, like colleagues. My best friend just died a month ago and I'm a bit at sea there. I'm hoping to find someone who gets me as well as she did. 

.

Things are quite different now, than in the 70's. There's no need, I think to hide anymore.

.

I would be interested in hearing if this is also the case for others that do have work and  have to interface with the NT world, what your experiences are. My own work history is so spotty and motley. 

yet. it is so easy with animals and so hard with humans. what are your thoughts about that? why is it so different. I just end up looking at (hunan's) their mouth or something.

that is a very illuminating and refreshing way of looking at it.

I am sure that isn't true 

Autism is the answer if you're asking why you have struggled so much socially throughout your life. However just knowing that in itself is not going to make those struggles disappear.

Following my diagnosis I had unrealistic expectations that my lifelong anxiety could finally be conquered, now that at last I knew what was behind it. 

This forum is a very small representation of the total autistic population in the UK. I can't say if the experiences here are indicative of the population as a whole. Perhaps it's mainly the more social ones who are inclined to hang out here. If it's any consolation I've remained alone too.

Indeed. I know I can mask well - my career simply wouldn’t have been possible without it. I know it’s not a lack of intelligence - my career would have been impossible without it.

Last year when I was diagnosed with autism I thought I’d found an answer.

But it seems autism isn’t the answer because so many autists don’t appear to have my problem.

Which leaves me with the only other logical possibility - that there is something else that makes me deeply unloveable

The key word is persistent. Autism is lifelong and some autists can develop strategies that work in some situations. Every autistic person is individual and what works for one might not work for another.

It concerns me when I see time and time again people coming here asking for advice and getting the old 'push yourself', 'face your fears', etc. That's what most of us have already been told continuously throughout our lives. I know I certainly have. I have pushed myself repeatedly into social situations and suffered multiple burnouts throughout my life, due to masking and sensory overload. 

We shouldn't make assumptions that people have not already pushed themselves or even that is what works for everyone. Tell that to someone who has already repeatedly pushed themselves beyond their limits and it could potentially leave that person feeling much worse about themselves. People should not be left feeling they are failing or inadequate on an autism forum of all places. They get enough of that out there in real life in this cruel world.

I hope for a future where the autistic community can unite together for the right to be accepted for being ourselves. No more damaging masking to meet social norms or expectations. No more forced eye contact.

Personally I can tick every box above. Admittedly I have the added challenges of situational mutism and auditory processing issues.  As for eye contact I can't even look at eyes when watching tv without feeling nauseous!

Now that I know I am autistic I am determined to try to unmask. People will have to accept me as I am or not at all and I can live with that.

Yes - but those particular African cultures DO acknowledge the importance of it.....by expressly excluding it....in the same way that it is NEVER a good idea to stare intently into the eyes of a nervous animal in the wrong way!

[IMPORTANT DISABMBIGUATION - I am NOT suggesting that particular African cultures are nervous animals.  It makes me sad that I feel the need to explain this....but I also feel that we now have an existence where this type is disambiguation is required by the digital world!]

Number said:

 If you can't use words, you are left with body language......the eyes are especially expressive.

Yes I completely agree, there is a reason why the eyes are known to be a window to the soul.

But what I was trying to convey is that some cultures for example in Africa may not value eye contact.

Dogs, horses, birds, cats, rabbits, goats......are the first ones that spring to mind......but it's pretty universal in my experience.  If you can't use words, you are left with body language......the eyes are especially expressive.