Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction

Some autistic people can see that if they wish to achieve their goals in life that they have to push themselves and do uncomfortable things, others either cannot see this, or have genuine limitations that make it impossible.

For example, I make apparently 'normal' levels of eye contact, but I do so entirely consciously, I time when and for how long I make eye contact when talking to someone. I do not have a neurotypical unconscious ability to do this, but I compensate for this by using my conscious intellect. As a result the neurotypical majority find me comfortable to talk to, and that helps with making friendly connections. An autistic unwilling or unable to make such a concession to neurotypical norms, would find it much more difficult to make friendly connections. Therefore, you can have two people who are equally autistic, both with eye contact difficulties, producing two very different social outcomes.

I did push myself. As autistic people go I’d probably be regarded as unusually successful.

I somehow made it through university then into a very successful career on a salary I still can’t believe sometimes. That wouldn’t be possible without me being an excellent masker. I had some friends from school who stayed part of my life into my 30s with whom I went to lots of social events and I made plenty of work friends (not the same as “real” friends, I realise).

But friends always eventually drop me without falling out and I’ve gotten to the stage where I have no one.

I must have had thousands of social events and opportunities and yet here I am, alone.

I did push myself. As autistic people go I’d probably be regarded as unusually successful.

I somehow made it through university then into a very successful career on a salary I still can’t believe sometimes. That wouldn’t be possible without me being an excellent masker. I had some friends from school who stayed part of my life into my 30s with whom I went to lots of social events and I made plenty of work friends (not the same as “real” friends, I realise).

But friends always eventually drop me without falling out and I’ve gotten to the stage where I have no one.

I must have had thousands of social events and opportunities and yet here I am, alone.

Thanks Martin. 

Rereading my original post, I realise I was not clear. Focused effort - 

I have just finished one large project, and finished one job, and now, am weirdly, at the pits needing to build myself up again. Haven't been able to put the strands of a decade and a half in a coherent order, and seem back to the beginning again. (Apologies, that probably isn't that coherent.)

I have always needed lots of time on my own to recover from 'being sociable'. Getting the balance right is difficult, admittedly. Even at work I would take 15 to 20 minutes out and just sit at the top of staircases up to the roof, where no-one ever went, in order to be unavailable for social interactions for a while.

Martin said:

making an effort does not always guarantee social success.

How to keep this focused effort going, though?

(Apologies, a yelp from the gutter.)

Yes, the perils of masking! The new friend may come to feel betrayed in a way and one feels in ones self to have been an imposter with the fear of discovery and the stress of holding up the mask ever present when trying to make friends without telling the prospective friend of our AD brains.

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These days I  lead with it, just get it out of the way. Or I ask one of my other friends to let it be known quietly so it's known and I don't have to negotiate awkward moments. Up until the late 90's this was not always wise or did not always meet with good will and accommodation but my odds of success are greater now.

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Part of it is that NT peeps are just as baffled as we are when trying to get cozy with each other. it's like 2 different operating systems looking for ways to interface. No one's fault, just different OS.

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Masking is is a problem for many AS women. In my childhood, teen years (in the '50, '60s) girls did not enjoy the social licentiousness that boys did so they needed to cultivate masking and were expected to master it  as a survival strategy. - truth is that many NT women my age do this too.

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At a news paper I worked at I tried to mask but was very bad at it. Often I could not work at all, hiding in the bathroom. I did alright when I had a workshop and fixed movie cameras, projectors  and tascam 4 tracks, walkmans and the like all day by myself.  Got disability early enough to be helpful -except with making friends till more recently. 

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I always had/have friends in the arts and letters, like colleagues. My best friend just died a month ago and I'm a bit at sea there. I'm hoping to find someone who gets me as well as she did. 

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Things are quite different now, than in the 70's. There's no need, I think to hide anymore.

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I would be interested in hearing if this is also the case for others that do have work and  have to interface with the NT world, what your experiences are. My own work history is so spotty and motley. 

I can only say that not pushing yourself and making an effort to adjust to neurotypical norms guarantees being socially unsuccessful, however, conversely, making an effort does not always guarantee social success.