I think my brain is broken

There doesn't seem to be anything I can do. I don't expect anyone here to provide answers. I'm just writing this down because I'm alone and have no one to talk to.

I've got a phobia of other men, especially young men but basically any man that looks masculine. I have a phobia of men with shaven heads and very short hair unless they look old and maybe a bit frail. I've got a phobia of people wearing sports clothes like tracksuits and Adidas and Nike and similar.

My experience of the UK and of course everyone's life is different but mine is the only people I trust are middle class looking people who look like students or bookish or professional. I have something of a phobia of people who look like the pretentious old money middle class, the ones who always look absolutely immaculate and have flashy cars.

I'm scared of any dogs that look like are large or beefy looking.

I wish I could find a community of hippies or monks or similar to live among but I have a phobia of change too. As frustrating as it can be living with my parents, I prefer it to the risks of moving. I've moved around before and it's a lottery and since where I am is okay I've settled with it and said to myself this is where I'll die. Drink myself to death because I'm still frustrated with living in this middle class-ish seaside town.

I could complain all day about what I think is wrong with Britain but ultimately my brain is broken. I've travelled to France and I preferred it there but I had a mental breakdown and spent two weeks in a mental hospital there. I've been to Boston in the United States which in many ways I thought was amazing but I still felt full of fear there, even though it's a beautiful city with educated people, world class universities, old colonial architecture that oozes sophistication. I felt scared during my holiday to Dublin in Ireland and during stays in Scotland, even on a small island called Cumbrae, in Edinburgh and Aberdeen.

Where I grew up in North Wales, in a picturesque and wonderfully quiet village I felt scared going outside. I've stayed in four mental hospitals, seen about a dozen psychologists, spoke to a fair few psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses, had 1-to-1 care years ago from social services and the only people I feel properly safe around are my elderly mother and sometimes my sisters (but relations with them have soured over the years). 

If my mother dies before me I'm scared about what will come next. She retired years ago and it isn't impossible she could die within 10-20 years. I felt scared at Autistic support/social groups and at local mental health charity-ran activities where I noticed people staring at me in a way they didn't at other people or reacting to me differently than the others. I had a panic attack in college classes I tried and had to walk out abruptly before the class ended to avoid having a meltdown.

As a man I feel scared to show weakness. I'm aware this is seen as not desirable for a man, which means I'm scared of telling anyone offline any of this, even doctors, though I do sometimes, though it never seems to achieve much. Here and the Samaritans are the places I feel safest to "offload" though I feel a bit sad and embarrassed that I know people want to people when I know deep down I'm just broken and probably can't be fixed.

There's something within us humans that wants us to survive even if life is awful. I've tried drowning myself in the sea in the past and came close but at the last minute swam back in because I was scared of dying even though I didn't want to carry on and some basic instinct in me that was unconscious and I think just the natural impulse any creature has to survive, said, turn back and carry on. In my experience any suicide attempt, no matter how extreme never results in much sympathy from the NHS or anyone else. As such, I've given up on them and for years now have been drinking myself to death instead with staggering amounts of vodka and rum. Ironically the only help I get offered generally is help on quitting alcohol, which of course I do not want to because I find the world a scary place. 

I'm scared of my dad but less scared of him than most men. When I was young he chased me out of the house with a knife because he felt I wasn't looking after myself well enough. I had to stay with my sister for a while. He punched me when I stopped going to school because I was being bullied. He's very old now though and has some health problems so I know he poses little physical threat to me and people tend to mellow as they age, especially when they get past 80. I don't know why but I'm scared of the old man who lives opposite who walks a little dog. I just don't like the look of him. He's broad shouldered, tall and fat and I'm quite short and thin. I find it scary being a man who is not as tall as a lot of men and who is slim. I don't feel scared of the little person (is that the right terminology, not sure, hope I haven't been politically incorrect) who serves me in the local Tesco.

When I went to a detox centre last year because my housing manager who I fell in love with insisted I did, I found the experience scary. I spent 10 days without access to alcohol and fortunately was given sedatives but even so I felt extremely bored. I didn't want to talk to the other people staying there. A couple didn't frighten me too much but one of them began to come across as a homosexual and I'm heterosexual and I began to feel uncomfortable as in a psychiatric hospital in the past a gay man made advances on me. The other one didn't frighten me but he was old and I just couldn't think of anything to talk about with him. He said he had got sober a few times and always went back to alcohol, is was his fourth time there I think. There was one male nurse who would come and read my blood pressure and other things every day and I felt very tense during it. He would sigh at random times indicating he was annoyed with me and I didn't even want the checks anyway and they were more or less pointless, especially being done so frequently, which just seemed like they get people to do them to justify someone having a job.

I'm scared of falling in love. Many times I've fallen in love with social workers, care workers, my housing manager, a policewoman, and others where it is deemed inappropriate. I accept when they don't want to be with me but spend months missing them. Normal relationships are boring for me. I've had them and felt empty inside and felt sorry for the woman I was with because I had to pretend to love her.

I'd like to go to a church but any I look at, I look at the photos of the vicar or priest and the congregation and some of their faces scare me. I'd like to eat a healthier diet but I stick to air fried oven chips, steak, sausages and fish fingers because I'm scared of lingering in the kitchen doing a more healthy meal as I'd prefer not to have my dad come in to make one of his regular cups of tea and then have to interact with him. I usually get up at midnight and in the early hours of the morning have my first meal to avoid him. Though it only partially works because he has difficulty sleeping and sometimes comes down to make a cup of tea. Because he's old and has dementia he stays in the house most the day and I suppose he's bored and lonely but I feel a bit like I'm a carer for him and it's not a role I'm suited for because I have so much going on with myself.

I've grown a very long beard and I'm scared of shaving it because I don't want people to think I'm normal and that they can just walk up to me and make normal small talk. I had a very good acoustic guitar worth hundreds of pounds and I walked into a travel agency and handed it over to one of the staff and told them God told me to do it. I didn't want it anymore because I used to busk on the streets and sometimes supermarket staff would tell me to move or people would come up and watch and sometimes they looked scary and I didn't like them standing there watching me.