Published on 12, July, 2020
There doesn't seem to be anything I can do. I don't expect anyone here to provide answers. I'm just writing this down because I'm alone and have no one to talk to.
I've got a phobia of other men, especially young men but basically any man that looks masculine. I have a phobia of men with shaven heads and very short hair unless they look old and maybe a bit frail. I've got a phobia of people wearing sports clothes like tracksuits and Adidas and Nike and similar.
My experience of the UK and of course everyone's life is different but mine is the only people I trust are middle class looking people who look like students or bookish or professional. I have something of a phobia of people who look like the pretentious old money middle class, the ones who always look absolutely immaculate and have flashy cars.
I'm scared of any dogs that look like are large or beefy looking.
I wish I could find a community of hippies or monks or similar to live among but I have a phobia of change too. As frustrating as it can be living with my parents, I prefer it to the risks of moving. I've moved around before and it's a lottery and since where I am is okay I've settled with it and said to myself this is where I'll die. Drink myself to death because I'm still frustrated with living in this middle class-ish seaside town.
I could complain all day about what I think is wrong with Britain but ultimately my brain is broken. I've travelled to France and I preferred it there but I had a mental breakdown and spent two weeks in a mental hospital there. I've been to Boston in the United States which in many ways I thought was amazing but I still felt full of fear there, even though it's a beautiful city with educated people, world class universities, old colonial architecture that oozes sophistication. I felt scared during my holiday to Dublin in Ireland and during stays in Scotland, even on a small island called Cumbrae, in Edinburgh and Aberdeen.
Where I grew up in North Wales, in a picturesque and wonderfully quiet village I felt scared going outside. I've stayed in four mental hospitals, seen about a dozen psychologists, spoke to a fair few psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses, had 1-to-1 care years ago from social services and the only people I feel properly safe around are my elderly mother and sometimes my sisters (but relations with them have soured over the years).
If my mother dies before me I'm scared about what will come next. She retired years ago and it isn't impossible she could die within 10-20 years. I felt scared at Autistic support/social groups and at local mental health charity-ran activities where I noticed people staring at me in a way they didn't at other people or reacting to me differently than the others. I had a panic attack in college classes I tried and had to walk out abruptly before the class ended to avoid having a meltdown.
As a man I feel scared to show weakness. I'm aware this is seen as not desirable for a man, which means I'm scared of telling anyone offline any of this, even doctors, though I do sometimes, though it never seems to achieve much. Here and the Samaritans are the places I feel safest to "offload" though I feel a bit sad and embarrassed that I know people want to people when I know deep down I'm just broken and probably can't be fixed.
There's something within us humans that wants us to survive even if life is awful. I've tried drowning myself in the sea in the past and came close but at the last minute swam back in because I was scared of dying even though I didn't want to carry on and some basic instinct in me that was unconscious and I think just the natural impulse any creature has to survive, said, turn back and carry on. In my experience any suicide attempt, no matter how extreme never results in much sympathy from the NHS or anyone else. As such, I've given up on them and for years now have been drinking myself to death instead with staggering amounts of vodka and rum. Ironically the only help I get offered generally is help on quitting alcohol, which of course I do not want to because I find the world a scary place.
I'm scared of my dad but less scared of him than most men. When I was young he chased me out of the house with a knife because he felt I wasn't looking after myself well enough. I had to stay with my sister for a while. He punched me when I stopped going to school because I was being bullied. He's very old now though and has some health problems so I know he poses little physical threat to me and people tend to mellow as they age, especially when they get past 80. I don't know why but I'm scared of the old man who lives opposite who walks a little dog. I just don't like the look of him. He's broad shouldered, tall and fat and I'm quite short and thin. I find it scary being a man who is not as tall as a lot of men and who is slim. I don't feel scared of the little person (is that the right terminology, not sure, hope I haven't been politically incorrect) who serves me in the local Tesco.
When I went to a detox centre last year because my housing manager who I fell in love with insisted I did, I found the experience scary. I spent 10 days without access to alcohol and fortunately was given sedatives but even so I felt extremely bored. I didn't want to talk to the other people staying there. A couple didn't frighten me too much but one of them began to come across as a homosexual and I'm heterosexual and I began to feel uncomfortable as in a psychiatric hospital in the past a gay man made advances on me. The other one didn't frighten me but he was old and I just couldn't think of anything to talk about with him. He said he had got sober a few times and always went back to alcohol, is was his fourth time there I think. There was one male nurse who would come and read my blood pressure and other things every day and I felt very tense during it. He would sigh at random times indicating he was annoyed with me and I didn't even want the checks anyway and they were more or less pointless, especially being done so frequently, which just seemed like they get people to do them to justify someone having a job.
I'm scared of falling in love. Many times I've fallen in love with social workers, care workers, my housing manager, a policewoman, and others where it is deemed inappropriate. I accept when they don't want to be with me but spend months missing them. Normal relationships are boring for me. I've had them and felt empty inside and felt sorry for the woman I was with because I had to pretend to love her.
I'd like to go to a church but any I look at, I look at the photos of the vicar or priest and the congregation and some of their faces scare me. I'd like to eat a healthier diet but I stick to air fried oven chips, steak, sausages and fish fingers because I'm scared of lingering in the kitchen doing a more healthy meal as I'd prefer not to have my dad come in to make one of his regular cups of tea and then have to interact with him. I usually get up at midnight and in the early hours of the morning have my first meal to avoid him. Though it only partially works because he has difficulty sleeping and sometimes comes down to make a cup of tea. Because he's old and has dementia he stays in the house most the day and I suppose he's bored and lonely but I feel a bit like I'm a carer for him and it's not a role I'm suited for because I have so much going on with myself.
I've grown a very long beard and I'm scared of shaving it because I don't want people to think I'm normal and that they can just walk up to me and make normal small talk. I had a very good acoustic guitar worth hundreds of pounds and I walked into a travel agency and handed it over to one of the staff and told them God told me to do it. I didn't want it anymore because I used to busk on the streets and sometimes supermarket staff would tell me to move or people would come up and watch and sometimes they looked scary and I didn't like them standing there watching me.
I am pleased you found the video inspiring. He really does seem to get autism in a way that the vast majority do not.
If a lot of your fears and phobias are due to past trauma then trauma focussed therapy might help with that. If you find the travel to get there too overwhelming you should be able to request that the therapy is done over video link instead. They have those systems in place, as during Covid all face to face appointments were moved online. Of course they are likely to want you to give up using alcohol as a coping mechanism, so that the therapy can have maximum benefit.
Have you considered the possibility that the constant fear you are experiencing might be exposure anxiety. It is a type of vastly enhanced form of self consciousness that some autistic people experience when out in public. Barely anyone outside of the autistic community has even heard of it.
https://www.autisticality.co.uk/exposure-anxiety
https://stimpunks.org/glossary/exposure-anxiety/
The fact that you've been able to enjoy interests in the past can give you some hope that you will again in the future. Even discover new ones.
I think being offered a tarot reading by a stranger would immediately make someone defensive and suspicious. People have to be, as there are so many scams around these days, and you needn't take it personally. If you do want to offer them it might be better to do so on a commercial basis with a small charge, so that people clearly understand what the arrangement is. Living in a seaside town there might be a demand for that seasonally. Similarly with the portrait painting.
I've done similar to you in terms of travelling to different places, in a sort of subconscious way of seeking somewhere to fit in and feel safe. In fact my last holiday abroad was in Boston and I agree that it's an amazing place.
There is hope and progress so don't give up.
That was a very informative and inspiring presentation Dr Beardon presented, thank you for sharing! I'm sceptical of mental health services, having used them. I've had CBT and other psychological therapies. Ironically the train journey to get the psychological counselling was so distressing for me it completely rendered void any benefits I got from the therapy itself.
I have focused more on my interest in the past but I suppose got bored of it. I wrote a 400+ page novel years ago and a book of short stories and poetry which I self-published. I used to spend a lot of hours playing strategy and pinball video games and got some impressive high scores on the pinball online community but I don't know why, I just don't feel like doing that anymore. I would love to play a pinball machine in a real arcade if people were watching to impress them but otherwise it's just a silly game.
Why do I want other people's validation? I don't know. Maybe because my father looks down on me because I never finished school and he came from poverty and became very successful. My siblings look down on me because they have relationships and careers and I don't. They ignore my good advice when I research things.
One of my interests is tarot reading. I've offered strangers readings and they never want them. I don't know, it's just difficult to connect with people. I would happily talk to people about philosophy and politics but people would rather spend their time with popular people. I could read books all day, what would be the point? Nobody will publish anything I write if I respond to it, nobody will listen if I talk about it. I've emailed hundreds if not thousands of individuals and organisations with my thoughts on things, asked TV channels if they will make a documentary with me or if I can appear as a guest on their show, emailed politicians and famous professors with my ideas and never get a reply. There are addicts and beggars on the street who pay me more dignity than the vast majority of the population but I've learned it's silly talking to them because they always end up wanting money or pulling you into circles of people you don't want to know.
I used to paint portraits after doing a 10 week course at college. I felt the odd one out there but the course was fascinating. Nobody wanted to buy them when I listed them on ebay and no gallery would display them so I left most of them on a street for someone to pick up for free. I lost interest in painting anyway, not only because I wasn't successful but I genuinely lost interest.
Well at least Dr Beardon and Linda are a sign there is progress.
Roswell said:It's possible more changes will be implemented to make life easier for Autistic people. That would make a difference. Things like making train seats not face each other so I don't have to make eye contact with strangers or maybe educating all children about Autism in school to make future generations more empathic.
Yes that sounds like good ideas. I think many people are rude and infantilizing towards autistic people because of lack of knowledge. More education on ND would help people be more understanding, make accommodations, and maybe even percent of late/misdiagnosis would go down.
I'm glad you enjoyed the beard comment ha ha. Thanks for your reply, it's nice to know someone can relate to some things. Yeah, I'd rather not die ideally, it's just I'm waiting for evidence there's something worthwhile to live for. Maybe once the Tories are out of power and a new government gets in things could get better. I've no idea what Starmer's agenda is or how things will unfold but certainly I've not been enjoying the current era of Conservative rule.
It's possible more changes will be implemented to make life easier for Autistic people. That would make a difference. Things like making train seats not face each other so I don't have to make eye contact with strangers or maybe educating all children about Autism in school to make future generations more empathic.
Maybe when I get older and more grey people will like me more, maybe a long beard will make them like me more. I used to drink out of vodka and rum bottles directly while walking around. (I don't like staying inside too much.) Now I pour it into a cycling drink flask so it's more subtle, I've noticed people react better to that. There's a stigma attached to carrying a bottle in public. I also use a little old man's style hip flask that looks elegant that I bought from a posh London company. It's obvious I'm drinking alcohol but not what kind and it looks a bit more discrete than a bottle, hopefully (and I think I've noticed it does) giving me a more civilised appearance.
As climate change worsens and the cost of living crisis continues, perhaps people will drive their cars less and there will be more chance I meet people. Where I live in suburbia, the vast majority of people drive everywhere. The very few people I see while walking the streets tend to be very old, dog walkers or youngsters commuting to school, college or university.
Please do pray for me. I don't think I can give up alcohol because of how unstable my thoughts and feelings are.
I can relate to a lot of what you say too. So much of it is about going through life constantly scared, never feeling safe except in limited places and around certain people, fearing change, phobias, etc.
Part of it is due to the way the autistic brain works and the tendency to fixate on certain things. Part will be due to the traumatic experiences you've had in your life and how people have made you feel for being different.
I don't know what the answer is, it is hard living in this world that is so autism unfriendly. The only therapies we tend to get offered is standard CBT, which evidence has shown is ineffective for autistic people and can make things worse.
Often what is much more helpful for autistic people is to focus on our intense interests. If nothing else it helps to take our focus away from the negative stuff.
It may be helpful for you to seek out content by Luke Beardon, particularly his book 'Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Adults'. In this video he talks specifically about how to feel safe as an autistic person.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0Vqn-oeONA
I can relate to quite a bit of what youve said.
I wouldnt say your brain is broken. It sounds like youve gone through some traumatic stuff and being autistic, its completely understandable that you would struggle with certain things. I have various phobias (some are quite ridiculous) and I avoid having to be social and have change. Its really frustrating when you just want to fit in and live a life like everyone else.
I do think that everyone has their place though and we may just not know what that is right now. Maybe thats why we have that instinct to not take our lives, because deep down we know we're needed somewhere or for someone.
Ive been in a similar place as you at times, and I know that when other people say how much you matter and why you shouldnt k*ll yourself, it doesnt tend to mean anything or really help. For me, I felt like they were just saying those things because they had to and because they didnt want to feel responsible for my death. And I knew that I was a horrible person and useless in society and could never be anything.
The fact that you keep reaching out about this makes me believe that you dont actually want to drink yourself to death or not live anymore. You probably wish you wanted to, but I dont think you actually want to. I think you are waiting for a reason to keep living. At least thats how it was with me.
I still dont really know what my place is and I often feel useless in life but im going to try to hang on and hopefully you will too. I hope you are able to find some sort of help that really does help
Um anyway I thought the thing of you growing a beard to make people believe you are crazy and avoid making small talk with you was pretty genius and hilarious! I wish I could grow a beard now lol
I am from South Waies and for years I used to go and stay in North Wales in one of my caravans. Gave up caravanning when youngest brother no longer wanted to go. Caravans deteriated and were used as garden sheds.
About six months ago Mum and I moved to North Wales where I live. I find something interesting. In the nearest town where I used to live, it would be risky, even for a strong looking tough man to walk through the centre on his own as it did not feel safe. Yet in my nearest town in North Wales it feels tame, and even my Mum (Who is in her 70's) pointed out how she felt at ease when visiting the town at night...
We found a Christian group. Very nice people. Not sure if we will be part of things as we may move again. One of the reasons is that all the 20mph speed limits on the main routes in Mid and South Wales add an extra hour and a half each way if we try and visit my brothers in South Wales, so it takes too long.
If you can come off alcohol do so. is an expensive thing and does you no long term good. You probably know this already and I don't want to say "You must not do this or that". Is more that I want to say things that will help you and are good for you.
You mention church groups. You will know more than I do! I only really know soms in South Wales apart from the one we recently met. One thing Mum and I noticed is how well behaved their children were. Ifp you want prayer feel free to ask.