"You seem Normal"

A few people have told me in my life that they would never have expected that I was autistic if no one informed them, because I "seem normal". This isn't a post about what constitutes as "normal", though. I'm considered a high functioning autist, so I understand the symptoms might not be as clear as with others. I've heard around and about the term "masking", but don't really know anything about it. All I can say is that I don't feel like I put any special effort into behaving differently around others.

Well, that may not be entirely true. I remember in youth that, whenever I got emotionally carried away, my behaviours would make other people uncomfortable. Embarassment and alienation conditioned me to repress strong feelings like excitement. If that's a kind of masking, then I've gotten so proficient at it that I don't think I could stop if I tried. Feeling things feels wrong.

It troubles me when people who don't understand autism look at me, see me behaving almost like a neuro-typical person, and assuming that I'm using my autism as a crutch to avoid personal growth. I've had people I've felt very close to turn that on me. It hurts.

I don't know if there's any merit in trying to unravel this structure of avoiding strong emotions. To this day, any time I let my guard down and feel something freely, I've come to regret it. I can't think of one single instance where being emotionally uninhibited has done me more good than harm.

But anyway, how does one deal with others doubting the validity of your condition, when explaining only seems to affirm their belief that you're making excuses for yourself?