Published on 12, July, 2020
A few people have told me in my life that they would never have expected that I was autistic if no one informed them, because I "seem normal". This isn't a post about what constitutes as "normal", though. I'm considered a high functioning autist, so I understand the symptoms might not be as clear as with others. I've heard around and about the term "masking", but don't really know anything about it. All I can say is that I don't feel like I put any special effort into behaving differently around others.
Well, that may not be entirely true. I remember in youth that, whenever I got emotionally carried away, my behaviours would make other people uncomfortable. Embarassment and alienation conditioned me to repress strong feelings like excitement. If that's a kind of masking, then I've gotten so proficient at it that I don't think I could stop if I tried. Feeling things feels wrong.
It troubles me when people who don't understand autism look at me, see me behaving almost like a neuro-typical person, and assuming that I'm using my autism as a crutch to avoid personal growth. I've had people I've felt very close to turn that on me. It hurts.
I don't know if there's any merit in trying to unravel this structure of avoiding strong emotions. To this day, any time I let my guard down and feel something freely, I've come to regret it. I can't think of one single instance where being emotionally uninhibited has done me more good than harm.
But anyway, how does one deal with others doubting the validity of your condition, when explaining only seems to affirm their belief that you're making excuses for yourself?
Masking was a semi-conscious thing for me when I was younger, I just started copying what other people were doing to fit in. It worked all right. You really have to ramp it up in offices, sometimes it baffles me how I've managed to get a 10+ year digital marketing career going.
I've picked up loads of mannerisms from films and TV shows I like. And from music. I'm like a walking media text of intertextual references.
Oran G. Utan said:assuming that I'm using my autism as a crutch to avoid personal growth
Unfortunately, there will always be ignorant people. It's like those ones who claim depressed people need to "get over it", they're just consumed by their lack of knowledge, hubris, indignation etc.
They can't understand the world outside of their experiences, which is just a chronic lack of self-awareness. Best to not let people like that bother you.
If only it wasn't my best friend saying it .
I hear you. I don't really think I emulate other people too much. I try and take after my dad when it comes to talking to strangers, because he's very direct and friendly. When I get introduced to non-British people I have an unshakable habit of laying the accent on extra thick, because they love it every time. I guess those qualify.