Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi community
Just wanted to put this out there really as it’s something that I really have to do to survive in this Nt world. I am self diagnosed atm but seeking assessment (my son’s therapist says I’m extremely high functioning). I’m sorry if that HF word offends anyone but I find it describes the way I am quite well and I’m not sure how to describe myself any other way. My number one purpose all through my life has been to make others happy and feel good about themselves, I can do this with most people but there are some that I can’t even bare to speak to. I can exaggerate to people if it keeps me out of trouble particularly with my partner as she has a fuse that’s about a millimetre long. I can also do this if it’s pleasing people or to make them feel better about something, I think I do this because I was always taught as a child that what other people think about you is so important. My wife’s reaction to some of the different ways I do things or things I forget can be way over the top, I seem to pick up on this energy before anything is even spoken about. So for that reason to avoid negative energy or to aid my masking I do exaggerate the truth to survive, I hate having to do it but I can. I feel really quite sad even saying this on here and can say that everything I have posted on here has always been the truth 100%. I feel terribly guilty for doing this but how do I stay undetected without it? How do I not get in trouble at home without it? Does anyone else do this to get by? This is just the latest thing I have been beating myself up about since the reality hitting me that I’m autistic. Yesterday was a good day and didn’t feel like giving myself too much of a hard time but this is what’s been going through my mind in the early hours of this morning.
Thank you for reading this post
Honesty is a subject I've had a complicated relationship with, myself. I've always tried to be an honest, moral person, because at the end of the day I'm the one that's got to live with the choices I make. But especially in recent times, I've found my honesty has managed to incite mistrust from people I care about. Being honest for honesty's sake for some reason isn't a good enough motive.
On the other hand, I do feel your need to be there for others. For me, it's to the point that I dislike admitting that I'm having difficulties, for fear that I'm causing them problems and they'll dislike me for it. A... not totally unfounded fear, sadly.
But in the end, being dishonest with the people close to you might give you some breathing room in the short term, but the long term effects would rarely be worth it. If they don't know what the problem is, they can't help you. If they do know, they might not be able to help you anyway. But at the very least it opens up the possibility that things can get better. That and it means you'd be treating the people you care about with more respect, even if things get hairy. You can hopefully take some solace in that.
Sorry if this isn't all that helpful. This is a subject I'm still exploring in my own life.