I think I might drink myself to death

I've tried other suicide methods in the past but that's going back a while now, I have no active plans to make a suicide attempt. I am drinking myself to death though, intentionally going through a lot of vodka and rum.

I feel I'm stuck and just don't know what to do. I'm going to start alcohol counselling because social services say they'll give me 10 hours a week 1-to-1 support if I do but I'm not sure there's much to look forward to.

I've been sober for months in the past and none of the mental health problems I have went away. So here's a list of things I have, regardless of whether I'm sober:

1) A phobia of dogs. There are a lot of dog owners where I live.

2) Inability to drive because of past suicide attempts so dependence on public transport and walking. I can get anxious standing or sitting at a bus stop and it's worse if I'm sober.

3) Commitment phobia, I think I'd call it. Sometimes I can't go in a shop more than so many times a week because I feel uncomfortable seeing the same person too many times.

4) Can't read body language and 70% of communication is body language so I don't know when people want to talk. This has got me barred from some pubs for talking to people who didn't want to.

5) Not knowing what to talk about with people. My interests are niche. I don't follow sport or watch much TV because it doesn't appeal to me. 

6) Social awkwardness.This happens even when I interact with other Autistic people such as at support groups. I always seem to be the most awkward person in the room, the one who stands out and doesn't fit in.

7) When I get 1-to-1 support from social services, which I have in the past, I prefer female workers because I have more anxiety with men. But because I fell in love with one of them social services now will probably only allow a male worker. I've also at times felt like I'm imposing on support workers and that they place too many expectations on me to achieve things.

8) When I was seeing the NHS psychiatric team all they ever seemed to want to do was have a regular meeting and make jokes while the things I told them about hearing voices and other disturbing things they seemed to go over their head and they didn't really understand. 

9) I don't have one good friend. I wish I had someone to  spend hours of the day with, I find life so empty in a way. It's hard to trust people though, I've tried making friends and people became frustrated with my repetitive and unusual subjects or interaction style.

10) Finding love seems impossible. I've had 3 girlfriends but each time there was something that got in the way. With one, it was that she lived a bit too far away so getting to see her was too difficult. Another, our personalities clashed after a while and the initial spark quickly wore off. The last one was unstable, she didn't clean her flat, it was full of mess and dirt everywhere, she had three hyperactive dogs and because we were both mentally ill in ways that triggered each other. When we went outside together I felt anxious, she didn't put me at ease like some people do, somehow her being mentally ill too in this particular case only made things more challenging. I don't understand dating apps like OkCupid.

11) I struggle with technology. I don't know how to use apps on my phone or how to put music onto it. I bought earphones and only the right ear works. My laptop stopped working randomly one day and I can't log back into my Google account and the recovery method won't work either. Whenever I buy a new phone I have to get someone to put the SIM card in, I can't do it.

12) Maybe I'm just a wimp but I am what I am. A lot of what exists in our culture offends me. I meditate to Hindu music for hours every day. I think I would have fitted in better in India or somewhere like that where people are spiritual. 

13) I've got OCD and often count up to a number like over 21 when touching a door handle, it's like a superstition. I watch birds in the sky and see signs, if they're flocking in a certain pattern it's a sign. I used to read rune stones, a Viking prediction method and I remember the rune symbols and see them in the bird formations and the shapes of tree twigs on the ground and cracks in the pavement. I think people think I'm really odd when they see me outside looking up at the birds, etc.

14) I'm gluten intolerant which poses difficulties in fitting in with others. At a lot of support groups people are offered biscuits so again I stick out. If the group arranges meals to restaurants I have to request ones that cook gluten free which can make me seem like a prima donna and maybe irritate people who wanted to go somewhere else.

15) I hear voices in my head sometimes. 

16) From what I understand interaction in the UK is largely based on small talk and humour, two things I am not particularly adept at. I've read about Russia and I think I'd fit in better there. Strangers rarely smile at each other, people are more reserved. I do try to smile at people when I walk past in the suburbia I live in but making eye contact feels intense to me as well so often it's a very quick glance which perhaps doesn't look as friendly as most people.

17) Because I can't digest gluten and also struggle with yeast drinking beer, cider or wine is not good for me. I can handle rum and vodka but a lot of men bond over beer if you do happen to go to bars or pubs to interact. It's also easier to sit nursing a beer for a long time while a rum or vodka doesn't last long.

18) I've asked the NHS if they could give me a sedative to just make me feel numb all day but they won't. Years ago they would have. The whole system seems a mess to me. I think it's the pharmaceutical companies trying to milk as much money as they can out of health services, making sure patients need more drugs that aren't very effective.

19) I find modern culture baffling and incomprehensible. I'm not bigoted against LGBT+ people but not knowing someone's sexual orientation makes interaction with strangers even more of a mystery. I personally think the decline of Christianity is a very sad thing because it was a social outlet for the whole community that didn't require alcohol and that had clear, defined structure. I'm afraid of some young people, I don't think it's good that teachers are scared to discipline children, the tide has turned towards giving them too many rights in some cases.

20) I don't see the point in living to an old age. My dad worked hard all his life and he's got a nice middle class house and a car and a wife and children but in some ways, over the age of 80 he now looks forward to dying. The older you get, the more loved ones you lose, mothers, fathers, siblings, former lovers. He's got health problems too even though he's quite healthy in his lifestyle. He tried to end his life a few times too and it didn't work for him either, he ended up in a coma after overdosing and driving into a tree. He was in hospital for two weeks. He tells me doing the gardening is giving him joint pain so my mum is going to have to employ a gardener. My mum cooks all his meals for him, he's got dementia.

21) Life just doesn't really make sense to me. I have a sister who's in her mid forties who has cancer and could be dead soon. I have another sister who's partially deaf and blind and has a guide dog and besides volunteering for the Guides she's very socially isolated and often depressed. She's had a long term affair with a married man who seems to be messing her about, never really going to leave his wife but she really thinks he will and won't consider any other men. Her life is basically the occasional meeting with this married man, a phone call to him every day, reading books and taking the dog for a walk. She deserves better but disabled people are discriminated against. I have a brother who's a nice man who studied Theology at the University of Bristol and later on he had a mental breakdown, spent years in mental hospitals, had electric shock treatment and now he spends most his time sat in a council house chain smoking and taking his collection of different pills the doctors give him. He's overweight and depressed. He had a lot of potential.

22) It concerns me how local services have been closing. Post offices, libraries, banks. Empty shops. People struggling to get a dentist on the NHS or to get a GP appointment, having to call up at 8 in the morning and definitely no later because you're in a queue with lots of people. I find it sad that people spend money going on holidays abroad instead of investing in our own communities. Also I find it sad people spend money on expensive cars like four by fours when a functional car would be perfectly fine, again it's money wasted on something frivolous that could be being spent in the local community. 

23) Covid. It seemed to wreak a lot of damage on society. I remember going into a hairdressers and being shouted at by the woman working there that I had to make an appointment and I did have a mask on. It seemed to create an atmosphere of paranoia and also lots of division. Some people would get angry at you if you went into a supermarket wearing a mask because they weren't, others would get angry if you didn't wear one or if you forgot to take it out then you had to go all the way back home before being able to get in somewhere. The isolation and loneliness it caused people. The businesses it finished. The marriages it ended as some people realised they didn't like each other that much when having to spend that much time together or they lost their income and couldn't support the lifestyle they aspired to.

24) I don't like social media like Facebook or Twitter and it seems most social life revolves around it now. I can't stand the way there's always some controversy being flared up and constantly causing people to be divided. I'm sure corporations and the elite are using it to make people divided and prevent a more progressive society to make sure they keep rich. 

25) I tried reconnecting with childhood friends on Facebook and they all ignored me. 

26) Talking with people tires me. Maybe I'm unusual but I just don't like too much conversation. Sometimes people tell the same old jokes. Things get old. A lot the comedy I used to find funny isn't anymore, I've seen it too many times.

27) I'm not sure but I think I might have brain damage from years of drinking a lot.