Published on 12, July, 2020
I've tried other suicide methods in the past but that's going back a while now, I have no active plans to make a suicide attempt. I am drinking myself to death though, intentionally going through a lot of vodka and rum.
I feel I'm stuck and just don't know what to do. I'm going to start alcohol counselling because social services say they'll give me 10 hours a week 1-to-1 support if I do but I'm not sure there's much to look forward to.
I've been sober for months in the past and none of the mental health problems I have went away. So here's a list of things I have, regardless of whether I'm sober:
1) A phobia of dogs. There are a lot of dog owners where I live.
2) Inability to drive because of past suicide attempts so dependence on public transport and walking. I can get anxious standing or sitting at a bus stop and it's worse if I'm sober.
3) Commitment phobia, I think I'd call it. Sometimes I can't go in a shop more than so many times a week because I feel uncomfortable seeing the same person too many times.
4) Can't read body language and 70% of communication is body language so I don't know when people want to talk. This has got me barred from some pubs for talking to people who didn't want to.
5) Not knowing what to talk about with people. My interests are niche. I don't follow sport or watch much TV because it doesn't appeal to me.
6) Social awkwardness.This happens even when I interact with other Autistic people such as at support groups. I always seem to be the most awkward person in the room, the one who stands out and doesn't fit in.
7) When I get 1-to-1 support from social services, which I have in the past, I prefer female workers because I have more anxiety with men. But because I fell in love with one of them social services now will probably only allow a male worker. I've also at times felt like I'm imposing on support workers and that they place too many expectations on me to achieve things.
8) When I was seeing the NHS psychiatric team all they ever seemed to want to do was have a regular meeting and make jokes while the things I told them about hearing voices and other disturbing things they seemed to go over their head and they didn't really understand.
9) I don't have one good friend. I wish I had someone to spend hours of the day with, I find life so empty in a way. It's hard to trust people though, I've tried making friends and people became frustrated with my repetitive and unusual subjects or interaction style.
10) Finding love seems impossible. I've had 3 girlfriends but each time there was something that got in the way. With one, it was that she lived a bit too far away so getting to see her was too difficult. Another, our personalities clashed after a while and the initial spark quickly wore off. The last one was unstable, she didn't clean her flat, it was full of mess and dirt everywhere, she had three hyperactive dogs and because we were both mentally ill in ways that triggered each other. When we went outside together I felt anxious, she didn't put me at ease like some people do, somehow her being mentally ill too in this particular case only made things more challenging. I don't understand dating apps like OkCupid.
11) I struggle with technology. I don't know how to use apps on my phone or how to put music onto it. I bought earphones and only the right ear works. My laptop stopped working randomly one day and I can't log back into my Google account and the recovery method won't work either. Whenever I buy a new phone I have to get someone to put the SIM card in, I can't do it.
12) Maybe I'm just a wimp but I am what I am. A lot of what exists in our culture offends me. I meditate to Hindu music for hours every day. I think I would have fitted in better in India or somewhere like that where people are spiritual.
13) I've got OCD and often count up to a number like over 21 when touching a door handle, it's like a superstition. I watch birds in the sky and see signs, if they're flocking in a certain pattern it's a sign. I used to read rune stones, a Viking prediction method and I remember the rune symbols and see them in the bird formations and the shapes of tree twigs on the ground and cracks in the pavement. I think people think I'm really odd when they see me outside looking up at the birds, etc.
14) I'm gluten intolerant which poses difficulties in fitting in with others. At a lot of support groups people are offered biscuits so again I stick out. If the group arranges meals to restaurants I have to request ones that cook gluten free which can make me seem like a prima donna and maybe irritate people who wanted to go somewhere else.
15) I hear voices in my head sometimes.
16) From what I understand interaction in the UK is largely based on small talk and humour, two things I am not particularly adept at. I've read about Russia and I think I'd fit in better there. Strangers rarely smile at each other, people are more reserved. I do try to smile at people when I walk past in the suburbia I live in but making eye contact feels intense to me as well so often it's a very quick glance which perhaps doesn't look as friendly as most people.
17) Because I can't digest gluten and also struggle with yeast drinking beer, cider or wine is not good for me. I can handle rum and vodka but a lot of men bond over beer if you do happen to go to bars or pubs to interact. It's also easier to sit nursing a beer for a long time while a rum or vodka doesn't last long.
18) I've asked the NHS if they could give me a sedative to just make me feel numb all day but they won't. Years ago they would have. The whole system seems a mess to me. I think it's the pharmaceutical companies trying to milk as much money as they can out of health services, making sure patients need more drugs that aren't very effective.
19) I find modern culture baffling and incomprehensible. I'm not bigoted against LGBT+ people but not knowing someone's sexual orientation makes interaction with strangers even more of a mystery. I personally think the decline of Christianity is a very sad thing because it was a social outlet for the whole community that didn't require alcohol and that had clear, defined structure. I'm afraid of some young people, I don't think it's good that teachers are scared to discipline children, the tide has turned towards giving them too many rights in some cases.
20) I don't see the point in living to an old age. My dad worked hard all his life and he's got a nice middle class house and a car and a wife and children but in some ways, over the age of 80 he now looks forward to dying. The older you get, the more loved ones you lose, mothers, fathers, siblings, former lovers. He's got health problems too even though he's quite healthy in his lifestyle. He tried to end his life a few times too and it didn't work for him either, he ended up in a coma after overdosing and driving into a tree. He was in hospital for two weeks. He tells me doing the gardening is giving him joint pain so my mum is going to have to employ a gardener. My mum cooks all his meals for him, he's got dementia.
21) Life just doesn't really make sense to me. I have a sister who's in her mid forties who has cancer and could be dead soon. I have another sister who's partially deaf and blind and has a guide dog and besides volunteering for the Guides she's very socially isolated and often depressed. She's had a long term affair with a married man who seems to be messing her about, never really going to leave his wife but she really thinks he will and won't consider any other men. Her life is basically the occasional meeting with this married man, a phone call to him every day, reading books and taking the dog for a walk. She deserves better but disabled people are discriminated against. I have a brother who's a nice man who studied Theology at the University of Bristol and later on he had a mental breakdown, spent years in mental hospitals, had electric shock treatment and now he spends most his time sat in a council house chain smoking and taking his collection of different pills the doctors give him. He's overweight and depressed. He had a lot of potential.
22) It concerns me how local services have been closing. Post offices, libraries, banks. Empty shops. People struggling to get a dentist on the NHS or to get a GP appointment, having to call up at 8 in the morning and definitely no later because you're in a queue with lots of people. I find it sad that people spend money going on holidays abroad instead of investing in our own communities. Also I find it sad people spend money on expensive cars like four by fours when a functional car would be perfectly fine, again it's money wasted on something frivolous that could be being spent in the local community.
23) Covid. It seemed to wreak a lot of damage on society. I remember going into a hairdressers and being shouted at by the woman working there that I had to make an appointment and I did have a mask on. It seemed to create an atmosphere of paranoia and also lots of division. Some people would get angry at you if you went into a supermarket wearing a mask because they weren't, others would get angry if you didn't wear one or if you forgot to take it out then you had to go all the way back home before being able to get in somewhere. The isolation and loneliness it caused people. The businesses it finished. The marriages it ended as some people realised they didn't like each other that much when having to spend that much time together or they lost their income and couldn't support the lifestyle they aspired to.
24) I don't like social media like Facebook or Twitter and it seems most social life revolves around it now. I can't stand the way there's always some controversy being flared up and constantly causing people to be divided. I'm sure corporations and the elite are using it to make people divided and prevent a more progressive society to make sure they keep rich.
25) I tried reconnecting with childhood friends on Facebook and they all ignored me.
26) Talking with people tires me. Maybe I'm unusual but I just don't like too much conversation. Sometimes people tell the same old jokes. Things get old. A lot the comedy I used to find funny isn't anymore, I've seen it too many times.
27) I'm not sure but I think I might have brain damage from years of drinking a lot.
I'm really sorry you're feeling like this Roswell. It's a horrible place to be when you no longer see the colour and beauty in yourself and life. But know this: You are not alone. I know sometimes it feels like you are the only one going through what you are going through, but many of us have, and sometimes I think that knowledge that someone can truly comprehend and understand what you are going through makes the world beautiful. I know it's extremely dark for you right now, but I do know that it can get better. And it will get better, but you need to stay strong and keep fighting, we'll stand by your side, for as long as you need us. We autistics stand together.
I would recommend you to try and pick up this book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10713286-outwitting-the-devil
It's by Napoleon Hill and is an inspiration to be perfectly honest. When I read this book I felt like it actually made a positive difference in my life, it reached my soul and it helped me think clearer and see myself and life differently. At the time, I myself was in the middle of mental health problems, I had been suicidal and was in a mental health hospital and this book helped me in many ways at the time.
I know life is hard Roswell. You aren't alone in the way you feel right now I promise you that.
Take care friend. I really hope things will improve for you.
I will pray for you. I have the power to do that.
they certainly dont conserve anything lol
Caelus said:to call the tories right wing is... i dunno, maybe old fashioned?
Made me laugh there Caelus.
Ah, but of course these people who form the present government are not actually Conservative, so.. maybe it is old fashioned.
Sure I can do a reading for you sometime, but maybe once I've rested, and then maybe a little more time after that
I think fast food is basically a luxury right now. People where I live have to decide between rent or food, and not even two full time jobs can compensate for every expense they have. I doubt that they'll raise wages to be a comfortable living level, yet they'll still tax us.
Society is going downhill, and I wonder if the wars and stuff that's going on is trying to instigate another depression. I can't imagine the youth of today trying to fight seriously in the army, unless it's about some kind of identity crisis they are having.
But I guess I keep going in life, only because I have a lot of topics I want to learn about, and skills I want to get better at. When I'm working on a personal project, there doesn't seem like there's enough hours in a day to get it done.
Please don't drink yourself to death.It's too expensive, especially with the cost of living.
Pegg said:We can act in integrity with ourselves.
This is how I try to retain a semblance of "good humanness" and it prevents me tumbling backwards into the giant deep pits of despair that I see (and acknowledge) EVERYWHERE around me.
I read a book called alcohol lied to me by Craig beck when I quit drinking. I read a few books but this one really really helped me to see alcohol for what it is. A multi billion pound marketing scheme and one of the most manipulating poisons on the planet. It's never a good idea to consume a poison. I understand what you're going through and hope you can get out of the hole alcohol can put people in. I believe you can but never think the dumbing down feeling alcohol gives isn't going to come with quadruple the pay back in anxiety, depression and other mental health problems. Alcohol is the worst loan possible.
Somebody once said "alcohol gives you the wings to fly then takes away the sky" and it's so true.
Well, I agree with you, because the serious trouble we're in as a society is clear to me.
But, I have concluded that one of the reasons many (if not most) apparently cannot is the human ability to normalise, after which a thing becomes all but invisible.
An interesting question might be, is the heightened perception many of us have connected to a lesser ability to normalise?
I don't know the answers.
The state of affairs generally is woeful. We can fight against it, if we find we can. Or we can hope for those who can to be successful. We can act in integrity with ourselves.
I have found this to be helpful in the face of the general horror of the world we live in.
Roswell said: I'm amazed more people aren't suicidal.
It has been my opinion, for the last decade or so at least, that only sane people have serious mental health problems. Anyone who continues to be existentially blissful and happy these days......they are the ones who have serious problems.
Just my opinion.
That's fascinating. I'd like a reading from you if you do them.
Regarding the inflation, I'm amazed more people aren't suicidal. How can people enjoy life now? Within a year probably having fish and chips will be the height of luxury and no one will dream of going to a sit in restaurant.
I think that you're really intelligent, that you're aware of so many things happening within you and around you, that it can be very hard to process so much.
Voices in your head and the emotional instability, and issue with gluten and other gut issues, could be linked together. There used to be this thing called "bread madness" in which gluten made people have physical and psychotic symptoms, and making them eat other foods that didn't contain gluten made them recover. But I've heard that not all schizophrenics will improve on a gluten free diet, yet it certainly makes them feel better. I'm gluten intolerant as well, and although I didn't get voices in my head, I used to suffer from anxiety, depression, and paranoia, as well as physical health issues, that went away when I stopped eating gluten. But it's hard to get doctors to take me seriously about it, so I just avoid eating gluten and eat other things instead.
I drink wine sometimes, but I'm not a big fan of alcohol, because a day after drinking it, it pulls down my mood, and I feel irritable and a little depressed, and it's hard to focus on things I want to do when my mood is down. Whenever I drink alcohol, I expect that my mood will be lower than normal, and despite the irritation, I'll still try to do things and get them done.
I love rune stones, and I do card readings sometimes as well. I have a lot of crystals and different types of stones. I was interested to understand the rock cycle recently, that hard rocks will turn into liquid at some point in their life cycle, and flow like a stream as molten lava, and reform as new rock, but that process takes a very long time. But I envision that volcanoes are like a rock nursery, where new rocks will eventually be born from old rocks. I am also facinated with obsidian, because it's volcanic glass. The messages from symbols in pictures and in nature helped me countless times in my life, whereas people's advice would often fall short. I've been wanting to weave a long band with runic symbols on it for awhile now, but I just didn't have the motivation to do that yet, since other things peaked my interest. I have bought several kinds of spinning rings, one with roman numerals, one with runes, and one with cards. I just wear the runic ring around my belt, along with a long weaved band I made that has picture of a chain, that holds my keys.
I agree with many of your observations about society. I don't think this system of debt is sustainable. Kids are not being disciplined, because their parents are too tired and burned out from working several jobs, and teachers have issues teaching undisciplined kids with short attention spans, so the kids are more iliterate now than ever before. Inflation increasingly makes all the prices, rent, bills, and etc., go up, and it's hard for people to have enough money to sustain themselves, let alone their house and family.
Maybe all civilizations are meant to go down at a certain point in its development. There was a study done on rodents. They created a rodent utopia, and gave the rodents everything they needed, all the food, water, tunnels, everything, and they didn't have any predators. This paradise for rodents eventually became an apocalypse, because the rodents gained destructive behaviors, they didn't want to court each other, females abandoned their young, and the population started to fall and almost went extinct. Even though these are rodents, a somewhat similar thing can be seen happening in human society. I mean the ability to build a civilization filled with technology from our collective knowledge and skills is amazing, but maybe all civilizations falls at some point, and sometimes it's beyond the point of recovery. But I still like concentrating on human innovation, and what skills I can gain to make the things I'm interested in, because it keeps me going.
There's so much to unpack there, and I really DO understand a lot of where you are coming from.
A couple of points spring off the page.
1. If you've had three G/F's then you aren't doomed in love, you just need a strategy for success.
2. IF you've damaged your brain you have not damaged the rational part, you do seem to have a firm grip on reality, and yes, to many of us who are alledgedly quite sane by DSM5 standards, currently everything does indeed seem to be run by evil clowns.
Whilst you wait for the external situation to resolve, I'd suggest that, like me, you concentrate on making your own immediate situation better. You've clearly got a few "issues" and "Number" seems to have some good advice.
I had to interrupt the typing to tend to my cats, (They are great for my M.H.) and I need to think a bit more about what I say before responding, but I feel unusually sure that you are moving in the right direction overall and you could win a nicer more contented life overall, if you can get the right information and help.
I'd definitely recommend that you get a grip over the voices in your head. There ARE tools & techniques available, but it's your journey to take, and I do know that what works for one person isn't guaranteed to work for others, and there are a number of ways to approach the subject, but it's a battle that can and has been won, by some people. Just remember who is the boss, and treat them with the contempt they deserve, especially the ones that try to provoke irratiional fears etc. I believe is a good place to start.
Remember all the previous times that they were proven wrong...
When I last felt like you do now, I set myself the mission of doing as much "good stuff" as I could and literally wrestling some JOY out of life, by force of will if necessary. I have the motto "If I can't help myself today, then perhaps I can help some other so-and-so.."
I'm fairly sure that this existence is like my iceberg, NOT ALL THAT THERE IS, death might actually be a change not an end, and effecting a premature ending seems to offer a very nasty looking "frying pan into the fire" situation, if the challenge of life (as I feel it) is to just overcome as many problems as we can, with extra points being awarded for style in preparation for the next event.
Heck, a lot of religions dangle the prospect of "eternal life" and I'd really hate to have an eternal life to hate on, so take my advice young man, and FIX THE ONE YOU ARE IN NOW! (or learn to accept it with stoicicism)
I'm sure some of us can help you cross a few items off that list...
Keeping things simple......
What you are supposed to do, is live.
It is hard. Often, very hard.
There have been times in my life when I would have followed the "hopeless" narrative.....but now I feel better.
At the time - it felt hopeless - now I am better, it doesn't feel hopeless.
Stay sane brother.....stay SAFE brother.
Hope springs eternal. Don't let the black dog tear chunks out of you. Your lot CAN improve.
I dont have much to say other than from what ive seen of you on this forum, you seem like a fine person Roswell. Im not just saying that either.
I have tried to take my life in the past. I know life can really suck and it can get so bad that you dont think it will ever get better and that you are the problem. But I promise things get better. Hang in there
Hello Roswell. You say you don't like pain but aren't you also suffering a lot of it from pursuing your current course of action? Maybe take some actions that cause you to suffer less? Easier said than done. But it's something to think about.
Also giving up alcohol will not solve all my problems. It will make me less depressed because it's a depressant but I do not know I have conveyed well enough to you all how disturbing the voices are in my mind. And the psychiatrists and doctors and nurses don't listen. So what am I supposed to do? If almost every man I walk past, I believe he is going to kill me, it doesn't matter to me if a thousand people tell me rational reasons why that isn't the case, my brain believes it is right.
I'm very grateful for all the replies and thought put into them but to be honest I still do not like my life. Every day I wake up with dread and fear. I live with my parents because I struggle to manage my own flat, dealing with neighbours and utility companies and all those bureaucratic things. I'm still drinking myself to death and I still believe it's the logical thing to do. I don't like pain so would rather not do something drastic though I have tried in the past hanging myself, for example, but the curtain rail fell off the wall. I struggle to eat sometimes now, I get shakes and sweats, sometimes my body gets very cold, I have diarrhoea and sometimes chest pains. But I can never forget my father chasing me out of the house with a knife when I stopped going to school after being bullied. He made me homeless and I had to stay with my sister in a cold, damp house in an awful, poor town. But we all suffer. It's just most people, in my opinion, can cope with the suffering better than me. Or perhaps we do not all suffer to the same degree.
I hate the NHS who I think are woefully incompetent. As I said before, all they need to do is give me a sedative to take every day that makes me feel numb. The imbeciles won't. Pray for me. I don't know what to do.
My former teacher committed suicide as couldn't cope with her husband death. Thought something didn't look right.
An excellent thing to do.