Published on 12, July, 2020
Having started university in September of 2023, I was excited to start going out and enjoying myself at the bars and clubs in my city. More specifically, I was excited to find places to enjoy my preferred genres of music (namely heavy metal) with likeminded people. For the most part this has been going fine and usually these nights are enjoyable without any incidents. However, it's happened more than once that things have gone wrong and not always because of having one too many drinks.
The last thing I want is to make anybody unhappy or uncomfortable but unfortunately this keeps happening, particularly in my interactions with women. I keep my hands to myself, I try to be polite and I walk away if it becomes clear I'm unwelcome but this doesn't seem to be enough (granted I understand it is the bare minimum of human decency but a lot of people my age and older can't seem to grasp it.) This came to a head on new years eve when I ended up having a stern talking to by two police officers. I never mean to upset anybody and most of the time when I approach people my motivations are just friendly rather than anything more adult. Unfortunately it keeps happening and has previously cost me several friends.
This tends to happen if I go out having been in a bad frame of mind. I suffer from anxiety and depression which I feel like gives off an unpleasant aura if I'm not in a decent headspace. Another problem I feel is my struggles with non verbal communication, since verbal communication is less of an option in clubs due to the loud music. It doesn't help that I'm white and assigned male at birth, two characteristics that are immediately threatening to many people alongside the unfortunate feeling of danger that comes with any alcohol fuelled environment. It's not good for other people and it's not good for me either. I enjoy these nights but I can't keep going to them with the fear that I'll upset someone nor do I want to get a reputation. My intentions are always good but it never seems to come through. Any advice is very welcome and highly appreciated.
I’m not really sure I am a young man too but I don’t go on nights out when I used to I would find it difficult too. That’s why I stopped going on nights out it’s simply too much for me. I don’t drink alcohol anyway. I’m sure you’re a nice guy but many autistic people can become very aggressive when they drink. Whether that be full blown aggression or passive aggression but in my experience people can definetly get that vibe. I’m not going to drink again until I get my issues with my tummy dealt with as that can be a trigger to make me upset. I have been known to become aggressive when I am drunk another reason why I choose not to drink. Maybe when I’m older and more mature like 25 yrs old or something I might drink then. I see you mentioned being white and male but these are not reasons why you would get treated differently only certain few people would be like that I imagine.
We had the CID visit my student house, admittedly were had been firing home-made rockets off from the backyard, so not particularly surprising.
Luckily, I am amiable when drunk, I don't get maudlin or aggressive, just talkative and silly. In regard to women I think, in the absence of understanding neurotypical social signalling, that asking permission is always the best policy. The first time I kissed my future wife, I asked if a kiss would be appropriate.
I'll add to that me and my group of mates were particularly chaotic at uni. We all had a few police officers tell us off one night because we'd drunkenly trashed a bunch of cardboard boxes and threw them about a bit. You know, just young and having a laugh (although we had to clear the boxes up after, which was fair enough).
So it depends what you're doing. If it's of a sexual nature then, yes, stop doing it immediately.
Well I started uni in September 2003 and immediately loved the partying scene. I had no idea I was autistic at the time, though, but my sole goal was to get as messy (i.e. drunk) as possible and have a laugh. I've never been one for dating.
Obviously if police officers are talking to you, you're doing something very wrong.
Think through what you were doing on those nights when people weren't happy. Recognise what it is you were doing. Learn from that and don't do it again. There's no need to stop your nights out, it's a great part of being young and at university, but just learn the limits fast. And enjoy the nightlife from there.
Then don't just because other people find that to be the way to make friends and meet people doesn't mean you have to do it that way, find something else that you could do to meet people. There might be an autistic society that you could join. University isn't everything, as long as you try there will plenty of times to meet people in the future. It probably feels like you are in a rush now, as you are in the first year and trying to do everything that is expected of you, that is ok. You don't need to be perfect, this isn't working out for you so try something different. Start small, join societies around things that you enjoy instead of trying to force interactions with people in bars and clubs, make friends. Most of the people may look put together but they are probably struggling in their own way and that is ok. Nothing in life is fixed, and there are always opportunities to make amends. Focus on making small positive changes now that will benefit you in the future. University and clubbing might be even more scary if your female as there is a lot more you have to worry about then if you are male. Try something else.