Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve mentioned before that my wife is a District Nurse, yesterday she visited a new patient. the lady said that her husband may come into the room, or he may not, he will be unsure of you because your new to him, my husband is autistic.
My wife doesn’t normally disclose much about herself to patients, on this occasion though they started chatting, my wife told her about me and they started comparing their lives. The going to social occasions alone and the days of ‘radio silence’, plus other similarities.They both said how nice it was to be able to talk about living with an autistic partner to someone else and someone who actually understands.
The lady said that her husband wasn’t diagnosed until his forties, my wife said to me last night that she is still trying to understand autism, speaking to someone else filled in so many of the ‘blanks’ and made her feel not so alone. She kept apologising for taking about me, she said that she just needed to talk to someone else about autism. I was quite relieved that she had found someone to hep her, I sounds like they both needed someone.
It got me thinking about how autism doesn’t only affect the autistic person, it affects all those around you, wether they want to or not, they are ‘dragged along for the ride’, I think the two people I have just mentioned have quite a few more conversations ahead of them.
I know I struggle to explain how different things affect me, I often don’t understand them myself, for a partner it must be worse, they get ‘plunged’ into a world that isn’t theirs. I just wanted to share this as a positive thing.
Thanks for this Roy.
I think that the main area where my husband and I have difficulty is in talking.
I used to chatter quite a lot but these days I'm quieter.
I tend to only talk if I think it's necessary and when I do I'm precise - I think that the words people use matter.
Also, I don't read between the lines - what someone says is what they mean to my mind.
I'm always picking him up on his meaning and getting frustrated that he talks in approximations (+ also he talks quite a lot ).
I have a tendency to say sometimes when he's mid talking 'that's enough'.
However, other areas of our lives are fine .
I've been in a relationship with someone insecure/controlling and that didn't suit me at all - I really do need time to myself and quite a lot of it.
My husband has also been in relationships with controlling people so he appreciates the absence of this with me.
I have my own bedroom and study and so does my husband along with a studio (converted garage).
We are both very happy alone and getting on with our own things.
He goes out in the evening to concerts on his own and to other things such as arts meetings/learning.
I have no problem with this at all and he leaves me most of the day to do what I need to do.
He doesn't play loud music as he knows I don't like it.
Consideration and respect for each others needs is paramount I think.
I actually personally don't see this as an autistic/allistic thing where it's hard for both to meet in the middle.
There are lots of people in the world of all different mental makeup and it's being lucky enough to meet one that fits you be they allistic or autistic.
I was in a relationship with an autistic person before and it only works as a friendship (with lots of time apart).
Our 2 sets of needs didn't correlate well.
There is a great deal of chance in shaping a persons' life but if people do want to get into successful relationships you have make the effort to meet people (and then be prepared to be exposed + possibly hurt).
Then once together you both will need to compromise to a degree, but not to a degree that hurts or damages either of you.
This is coming from someone who spent a large section of her life as single, so I've experienced both.