It’s good to talk.

How lovely. I'm so happy you have such a supportive and loving person in your life Roy. I really hope I'll find someone like that for myself one day. I doubt it, but there's always hope.

Roy said:

I often don’t want to talk but it keeps the status quo.

I feel that compromise and reasonable adjustments SHOULD be a two way street, so I think this is wise, sensible and kind.....three words that I can readily assign to my impression of you more generally.

[Disambiguation.....Don't panic, I don't want a date, mate.....I just call 'em like I see 'em.....umm, I wonder if that is an autistic thing?!]

[Double disambiguation......I do know that it is an autistic thing....this was merely my attempt at dry humour...ummm, I wonder if a dubious sense of humour is....etc etc etc regarding over explaining, over thinking, over sharing, over typing, misjudging etc etc etc]

Hi, I often feel guilt for the past, yes it wasn’t my fault but I still feel bad. I can’t change the past but the future is unwritten. I’m lucky, I have all of the good people on this forum to ask my questions that elsewhere would seem strange. I had forgotten that my partner had nowhere to ask a question or just vent.

Too be honest, sometimes I still mask when engaging with her, I often don’t want to talk but it keeps the status quo.

Thank you for your reply, the trick to my relationship is a lot of time apart. I won’t pretend it’s utopia, we often argue, but it’s not half as bad as it was before I realised I’m autistic. I know when our children were young, she often got near to leaving me. My behaviour wasn’t like everyone else’s. We both have our own interests and pursue them separately. It’s just been a big learning curve for both of us, the good side is, we know why things often went nuclear.

Thanks for this Roy.

I think that the main area where my husband and I have difficulty is in talking.

I used to chatter quite a lot but these days I'm quieter.

I tend to only talk if I think it's necessary and when I do I'm precise - I think that the words people use matter.

Also, I don't read between the lines - what someone says is what they mean to my mind.

I'm always picking him up on his meaning and getting frustrated that he talks in approximations (+ also he talks quite a lot ).

I have a tendency to say sometimes when he's mid talking 'that's enough'.

However, other areas of our lives are fine .

I've been in a relationship with someone insecure/controlling and that didn't suit me at all - I really do need time to myself and quite a lot of it.

My husband has also been in relationships with controlling people so he appreciates the absence of this with me.

I have my own bedroom and study and so does my husband along with a studio (converted garage).

We are both very happy alone and getting on with our own things.

He goes out in the evening to concerts on his own and to other things such as arts meetings/learning.

I have no problem with this at all and he leaves me most of the day to do what I need to do.

He doesn't play loud music as he knows I don't like it.

Consideration and respect for each others needs is paramount I think.

I actually personally don't see this as an autistic/allistic thing where it's hard for both to meet in the middle.

There are lots of people in the world of all different mental makeup and it's being lucky enough to meet one that fits you be they allistic or autistic.

I was in a relationship with an autistic person before and it only works as a friendship (with lots of time apart).

Our 2 sets of needs didn't correlate well.

There is a great deal of chance in shaping a persons' life but if people do want to get into successful relationships you have make the effort to meet people (and then be prepared to be exposed + possibly hurt).

Then once together you both will need to compromise to a degree, but not to a degree that hurts or damages either of you.

This is coming from someone who spent a large section of her life as single, so I've experienced both.

You remind us all of a really important issue ... the others who have to put up with all our "challenges."

The guilt that comes with this (for me) can be very damaging and then, these feelings, in turn, risk exacerbating problems for everyone concerned.

I struggle greatly to calibrate the principles of a) "be kind to yourself/it's not your fault/ it's who you are" with b) "try harder not to be such an ar se / don't excuse your own selfishness / make more of an effort to show gratitude."

I sincerely hope that, being cognisant of the (a) -v- (b) problem ..... and verbalising this to all those concerned - regularly .... is enough to keep a respectful and amiable balance in my world.

I struggle with amiability/agreeableness!

Roy said:

, I often don’t understand them myself, for a partner it must be worse, they get ‘plunged’ into a world that isn’t theirs

It's really nice to hear about the successful relationships that some of us have!

I think you've touched on a reason that many of us find achieving that hard though, sometimes it feels like we're from a different planet from NTs, how can they ever understand us? Or we them? 

There's also making space for someone else in your life, lots of space,

Well, obviously sometimes it works, which is lovely! 

Ditto. You’re a lucky man Roy

Thanks for sharing Roy.  I hope that I will find a partner who accepts me one day.