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It’s good to talk.

Roy

I’ve mentioned before that my wife is a District Nurse, yesterday she visited a new patient. the lady said that her husband may come into the room, or he may not, he will be unsure of you because your new to him, my husband is autistic.

My wife doesn’t normally disclose much about herself to patients, on this occasion though they started chatting, my wife told her about me and they started comparing their lives. The going to social occasions alone and the days of ‘radio silence’, plus other similarities.
They both said how nice it was to be able to talk about living with an autistic partner to someone else and someone who actually understands.

The lady said that her husband wasn’t diagnosed until his forties, my wife said to me last night that she is still trying to understand autism, speaking to someone else filled in so many of the ‘blanks’ and made her feel not so alone. She kept apologising for taking about me, she said that she just needed to talk to someone else about autism. I was quite relieved that she had found someone to hep her, I sounds like they both needed someone.

It got me thinking about how autism doesn’t only affect the autistic person, it affects all those around you, wether they want to or not, they are ‘dragged along for the ride’, I think the two people I have just mentioned have quite a few more conversations ahead of them.

I know I struggle to explain how different things affect me, I often don’t understand them myself, for a partner it must be worse, they get ‘plunged’ into a world that isn’t theirs. I just wanted to share this as a positive thing.

  • How lovely. I'm so happy you have such a supportive and loving person in your life Roy. I really hope I'll find someone like that for myself one day. I doubt it, but there's always hope.

  • in reply to Roy
    Roy said:
    I often don’t want to talk but it keeps the status quo.

    I feel that compromise and reasonable adjustments SHOULD be a two way street, so I think this is wise, sensible and kind.....three words that I can readily assign to my impression of you more generally.

    [Disambiguation.....Don't panic, I don't want a date, mate.....I just call 'em like I see 'em.....umm, I wonder if that is an autistic thing?!]

    [Double disambiguation......I do know that it is an autistic thing....this was merely my attempt at dry humour...ummm, I wonder if a dubious sense of humour is....etc etc etc regarding over explaining, over thinking, over sharing, over typing, misjudging etc etc etc]

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Hi, I often feel guilt for the past, yes it wasn’t my fault but I still feel bad. I can’t change the past but the future is unwritten. I’m lucky, I have all of the good people on this forum to ask my questions that elsewhere would seem strange. I had forgotten that my partner had nowhere to ask a question or just vent.

    Too be honest, sometimes I still mask when engaging with her, I often don’t want to talk but it keeps the status quo.

  • in reply to Pegg

    Thank you for your reply, the trick to my relationship is a lot of time apart. I won’t pretend it’s utopia, we often argue, but it’s not half as bad as it was before I realised I’m autistic. I know when our children were young, she often got near to leaving me. My behaviour wasn’t like everyone else’s. We both have our own interests and pursue them separately. It’s just been a big learning curve for both of us, the good side is, we know why things often went nuclear.

  • You remind us all of a really important issue ... the others who have to put up with all our "challenges."

    The guilt that comes with this (for me) can be very damaging and then, these feelings, in turn, risk exacerbating problems for everyone concerned.

    I struggle greatly to calibrate the principles of a) "be kind to yourself/it's not your fault/ it's who you are" with b) "try harder not to be such an ar se / don't excuse your own selfishness / make more of an effort to show gratitude."

    I sincerely hope that, being cognisant of the (a) -v- (b) problem ..... and verbalising this to all those concerned - regularly .... is enough to keep a respectful and amiable balance in my world.

    I struggle with amiability/agreeableness!

  • Roy said:
    , I often don’t understand them myself, for a partner it must be worse, they get ‘plunged’ into a world that isn’t theirs

    It's really nice to hear about the successful relationships that some of us have! Slight smile

    I think you've touched on a reason that many of us find achieving that hard though, sometimes it feels like we're from a different planet from NTs, how can they ever understand us? Or we them? 

    There's also making space for someone else in your life, lots of space, Fearful

    Well, obviously sometimes it works, which is lovely!