Published on 12, July, 2020
i’ve always loved christmas but i think today has changed my view to officially hating it. the worst day ever, worst time with family, received the most painful message from my younger sister and ended up leaving some of my family half way through opening presents to sob and hyperventilate in my room for over an hour - nobody checked in or asked if i was okay afterwards even though i had visibly been crying. exhausted beyond reason. having a month off of therapy for the christmas break but i need it more than ever. family outright refuse to understand autism and what it means for me, everything i do is boiled down to me being manipulative, uncaring, the most selfish and unworthy person alive. nobody in my life to turn to and terrified for my future. losing my skills by the day, completely lost the ability to answer the door for fear of who might be standing there. spend all day journaling and watching critical role - the last special interest i have left that can distract me (even then it’s wobbly) - and replaying every memory i’ve ever had to the point of nausea. i write about how i would sacrifice every good memory of everyone/thing i’ve ever loved if it meant i could also remove every bad memory and the ability to remember. i speak less and less to the point where i go 4 or 5 days at a time without saying a single word. it feels hopeless, i’m so ashamed of my life and i feel forever tarred by the things i’ve done and how unwell i became pre-diagnosis and pre-sobriety. none of this really makes sense and for some reason i’m pouring my heart out to a message board
Hi Elliot, what is your situation - who do you live with, are working or studying or have you in the past, do you have a therapist or other person you can talk to about your problems?
i live with my dad and younger brother (he is here on and off between my mums house as well) but am soon to be forced to move out and live alone. dropped out of uni twice as was still undiagnosed and didn’t know i was autistic and couldn’t handle it without the right support and unable to work. as i said in the post i do have a therapist i see regularly but she is taking time off for christmas so am having a break which is proving difficult
Sorry, yes you did say that. I can understand re uni - I managed to finish my degree but I honestly don’t know how I survived that period of my life never mind get a qualification. I wouldn’t judge anyone for walking away. Might have been better for my wellbeing if I had.
I assume from what you’ve said that your dad isn’t going to be emotionally supportive so if it’s a case of tiding yourself over until you can see your therapist again, I can only tell you what I do: distract myself. I used to do it with reading or video games but at the moment it’s mostly TV and YouTube. It’s not a long term life strategy but it is a way of passing otherwise painful time with your mind taken off your problems.