nonsensical post christmas vent/reflection

i’ve always loved christmas but i think today has changed my view to officially hating it. the worst day ever, worst time with family, received the most painful message from my younger sister and ended up leaving some of my family half way through opening presents to sob and hyperventilate in my room for over an hour - nobody checked in or asked if i was okay afterwards even though i had visibly been crying. exhausted beyond reason. having a month off of therapy for the christmas break but i need it more than ever. family outright refuse to understand autism and what it means for me, everything i do is boiled down to me being manipulative, uncaring, the most selfish and unworthy person alive. nobody in my life to turn to and terrified for my future. losing my skills by the day, completely lost the ability to answer the door for fear of who might be standing there. spend all day journaling and watching critical role - the last special interest i have left that can distract me (even then it’s wobbly) - and replaying every memory i’ve ever had to the point of nausea. i write about how i would sacrifice every good memory of everyone/thing i’ve ever loved if it meant i could also remove every bad memory and the ability to remember. i speak less and less to the point where i go 4 or 5 days at a time without saying a single word. it feels hopeless, i’m so ashamed of my life and i feel forever tarred by the things i’ve done and how unwell i became pre-diagnosis and pre-sobriety. none of this really makes sense and for some reason i’m pouring my heart out to a message board