Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel I've gone nuclear with this over the last few months. I've made lots of mistakes in my life and blown every opportunity I've ever had.
I have had people tell me that it's not actually helping me, but the truth is I almost enjoy it. It's the one thing in my life at the moment I feel I have control over in a way. Also, I am rather used to ending up with egg on my face if I try and be positive, because I don't want to go to that extreme of confusing confidence with cockiness.
However, I'm all too comfortable with going to the other extreme of convincing myself that the world hates me and will always hate me, and that I am a worse person than Hitler. If you asked me why I think that, I would probably be able to rattle off reasons why I believe that to be the case.
Anyone saying "you need to move on" doesn't help. Anyone telling me that they're proud of me or that they believe in me doesn't help either because I don't know if they're being honest or just kind.
It's not been a happy time. There's already been the "who'd miss me when I'm gone" but now it's ramped up to 100.
HMO said:I am a worse person than Hitler
Yeah, comparing yourself to a far-right, genocidal maniac (and one of the most evil people in history) is overdoing it a tad.
I've had this self-hatred thing and still struggle with it regularly. The older I've got, the easier it is to manage. Although I can have plunges back into it. Frankly, I'd say a sense of humility is important. Not viewing yourself as the most important person in the world is a very positive magnanimous trait and one the world needs more of. Especially in the face of such relentless, mindless individualism and capitalist greed.
Why not get some more control in your life over certain things?
Are you creative? Start a blog or a podcast. That way you have total creative control over it and it's your project. That can help build your self-confidence. Ultimately, just aim to force that nagging voice of self-doubt from your mind and focus on your strengths.
Only you can do that. But it's worth noting if you go around wallowing in self-pity, people's patience will wear out over time and you become an annoyance. Find the inner strength and determination to push through to greater things.
I'll be the first to admit that I care too much about what people think about me, which is why I feel like I have little control over myself.
When you have had thousands of people online telling you how much of an awful person you are (however true), it validates all of that self hatred. I could ask myself "why does their opinion matter" but there's the matter of influence. Mob mentality if you like. I think it's hard for anyone to come away from that not feeling like they're a bad person, especially if there's next to no one fighting their corner.
I am well aware that I'm not particularly fun to be around at the moment, but I've not fully allowed myself to 'feel' just yet. I don't feel welcome or like anyone wants me.
I am creative and I am in the process of doing some shadowing work with a theatre but it's scary putting myself back out there again. I've become arguably too comfortable with hiding away from the world.