Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't know if other people ever feel like this (or feel this as often and as much as me), but I really struggle to know when what I am doing is enough. How much effort should I put into things? How long and how hard should I work? How should I be spending my time? I've seen other autistic people discussing how they have taken the phrase 'do your best' too literally and I worry that I do the same, or the opposite - that I'm not doing nearly enough.
It doesn't help that this year I've been learning to accept that I simply don't have as much energy as my peers. I see everyone going out and doing all of this stuff and I just know that I could keep that kind of lifestyle up for about a week before feeling so drained I can't do anything for the next month. It's paralysing to watch everyone doing and being so much more than me. I want to do so much, but when it comes down to it, I feel so lost and afraid. I often joke with my friends that I wish I had a little assistant who could tell me what I need to be doing and when.
Getting motivation is difficult because even if I commit myself to doing something, my brain starts telling me all the other things I could be doing, and that perhaps I'm not using my time correctly. I don't know. I suppose I just want to know if this is common for other autistic adults, and how I could begin to navigate this. I'm 20 at the moment; is this something I'll simply 'grow' out of, or is this forever? Is it pointing to some ultimate feeling of purposeless that I won't be able to be rid of until I find said purpose?
Magpie said:worry that I do the same, or the opposite - that I'm not doing nearly enough.
In social interactions, we often have to cognitively process things that other people are able to do intuitively. This takes extra processing. In our environment we can't filter stuff out that other people can. This can overload our brains. So by this reasoning, you're probably already doing more than other people around you.
Magpie said:I've been learning to accept that I simply don't have as much energy as my peers.
I always kind of knew this but still pushed through bevause I didn't know any differently. As anadult nearly twice yourage who only "found out" a few years ago, this approach has led to burnout and health problems. Believe it or not you are still young and have plenty of time to find out what works for you. I'm sure as you grow, you'll learn not to compare yourself to others. You are coming from a different starting point / baseline than a lot of other people.
Peace out.