Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't know if other people ever feel like this (or feel this as often and as much as me), but I really struggle to know when what I am doing is enough. How much effort should I put into things? How long and how hard should I work? How should I be spending my time? I've seen other autistic people discussing how they have taken the phrase 'do your best' too literally and I worry that I do the same, or the opposite - that I'm not doing nearly enough.
It doesn't help that this year I've been learning to accept that I simply don't have as much energy as my peers. I see everyone going out and doing all of this stuff and I just know that I could keep that kind of lifestyle up for about a week before feeling so drained I can't do anything for the next month. It's paralysing to watch everyone doing and being so much more than me. I want to do so much, but when it comes down to it, I feel so lost and afraid. I often joke with my friends that I wish I had a little assistant who could tell me what I need to be doing and when.
Getting motivation is difficult because even if I commit myself to doing something, my brain starts telling me all the other things I could be doing, and that perhaps I'm not using my time correctly. I don't know. I suppose I just want to know if this is common for other autistic adults, and how I could begin to navigate this. I'm 20 at the moment; is this something I'll simply 'grow' out of, or is this forever? Is it pointing to some ultimate feeling of purposeless that I won't be able to be rid of until I find said purpose?
Ignore the preacher above, "god" has nothing to do with your career. Instead, focus on what works for you - yes, it's inevitable you won't have the same level of energy as many of your neurotypical colleagues. It's unfortunate, but once you acknowledge that you can accept the career trajectory for you. But you'll probably find a lot of them are hepped up on coffee and energy drinks anyway and a lot of what they do is just part of the Extrovert Ideal (as discussed on another thread).
Sadly, the job market is horrific right now.
Not just based on world events, but the failures of capitalism over the last 15 years have ensured it. Alongside various governments who've failed to create a thriving economy.
You're only 20!
You've done very well to get into work, a lot of autistic people struggle. So focus on that achievement so far and take it from there. The job market should pick up in a few years, too (once the Tories are gone, hopefully).
Don't be afraid to push yourself a little here and there, too, as you'll be surprised what you can achieve.