Published on 12, July, 2020
Whenever I have to speak in front of a group of people (e.g. work team meetings, but also less formal instances like someone asking me a question in a social group setting), I completely zone out. It's like I'm seeing nothing, my brain is not providing any information and I'm completely unaware of what my face is doing, what volume I'm speaking, how much time I'm speaking for etc.
The impact of this is that when I 'come back to the room' at the end of whatever thing I've just said, I can finally look at colleagues/whoever is in the group, but because I can't read their expressions either and there's always a moment of silence, it feels like I've just said the most weird and off-putting thing ever vocalized, even if when I analyze it later I'm fairly sure what I said was harmless (if not always the most organized, because of the way my brain circles ideas and never gets to the point). It kills any shred of competence I feel any time this happens, which sucks because I am good at doing my job, just not talking about it!
I don't know entirely what I'm asking here except that a) does anyone else experience this as I've described it and, if so, b) have you found any coping mechanism or accommodation to reduce the effect this has on you or help you focus in the moment?
I work remotely most of the time and feel so lucky that I've managed to find a job I can do, but every job always seems to require some degree of sharing in a group, even if it's just the excruciating weekly check-in, even if it's on zoom, and I can't hack it. I find one on one communication with people I don't know painfully awkward, but I don't (usually) disappear in my own head and lose all self-awareness in the same way unless I'm talking and making a point I'm getting really invested in, so I don't know why this happens.
This is just my worst nightmare, to be honest. Any sort of speaking in front of people causes me severe anxiety and sensory issues. Thankfully, I rarely have to do it. Avoidance is my tactic.
This almost feels like the opposite of having sensory issues though, which is why it's so weird - I genuinely can't understand what's happening to my body and brain. I'm so locked inside myself in the moment of speaking that the room could catch on fire and I probably wouldn't notice.
Maybe it's the sheer panic making me temporarily shut down? idk.
To be fair, I think very few people enjoy public speaking in any capacity. Some extroverts maybe, like Tony Robbins. Motivational speakers like him get off on it.
But I know plenty of non-autistic people who've had to do a speech every now and then and it causes their brains to meltdown haha.
I did a brief bit of research and found this explanation:
"Our brains have transferred that ancient fear of being watched onto public speaking. In other words, public-speaking anxiety is in our DNA. We experience public speaking as an attack. We physiologically register an audience as a threatening predator and mount a comparable response."
There we go there, we can blame woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers for this.
My sibling had to do a proper big speech once, she's quite an outgoing person but it was really causing her some bother. Her boyfriend just suggested she have a few drinks before going on! He's older than us, but it made sense. He said if it helps get the job done, then that's what does it.
Obviously, this isn't applicable for every situation. And I'm not condoning drinking on the job.
That's true, a rare instance of almost universal experience.
Thank you for the research. Public speaking is definitely an attack! Ha. Maybe if it's on zoom I just need to have a plushie under my desk or something and if it's in person I'll just have to hope I don't get eaten.