Where is your life heading?

I don't know, there's just been a change, in that I've started working again, but I don't know if that will take me forward in some ways, or just end up being an interlude between periods of less activity. 

I'm not sure whether I'll ever move away from where I live, as it's my childhood home and suits me in many ways. It occurs to me that my life won't take me anywhere, that  I'll live here, with my dog for company, for all my days.

I have been out, in the bigger world, and it's not for me. 

My experiences of being out in the bigger world and trying to fit in would probably make good comedy material from a distance, objectively. From my point of view I wasn't laughing at the time, subjectively (it was horrendous for me). I hope to gradually find some middle way / compromise in the whole thing 

Allyboo said:

My experiences of being out in the bigger world and trying to fit in would probably make good comedy material from a distance, objectively

Yeah, I feel like I tried so hard, for so long, to 'fit in' as I was constantly told I must, growing up. I think my mum, when she was alive, was both embarrassed and disappointed that she had me for a daughter. 

I kept trying for a long time, to be 'normal'. I kept going, although in retrospect, I really should have stopped sooner. If I hadn't been forcibly stopped, by catastrophic accident, I don't believe I would be alive now.

Now, I am thinking about myself as an autistic person, and it makes all the difference. Everything makes sense to me, now, and I am learning to appreciate myself, as an individual.

There's a current thread about ASD being  a disability- well, that's true, in some ways for most people- but the thing is, I've always been as I am, knowing I'm autistic doesn't change those things, it doesn't make me either more or less disabled. 

It is simply self-awareness, which I very badly needed for a long time. I am happy and relieved to finally understand

Allyboo said:

My experiences of being out in the bigger world and trying to fit in would probably make good comedy material from a distance, objectively

Yeah, I feel like I tried so hard, for so long, to 'fit in' as I was constantly told I must, growing up. I think my mum, when she was alive, was both embarrassed and disappointed that she had me for a daughter. 

I kept trying for a long time, to be 'normal'. I kept going, although in retrospect, I really should have stopped sooner. If I hadn't been forcibly stopped, by catastrophic accident, I don't believe I would be alive now.

Now, I am thinking about myself as an autistic person, and it makes all the difference. Everything makes sense to me, now, and I am learning to appreciate myself, as an individual.

There's a current thread about ASD being  a disability- well, that's true, in some ways for most people- but the thing is, I've always been as I am, knowing I'm autistic doesn't change those things, it doesn't make me either more or less disabled. 

It is simply self-awareness, which I very badly needed for a long time. I am happy and relieved to finally understand

Cheers mate....my heart on the sleeve...gets me in trouble and delivers good in equal measure IRL...but I feel (rightly or wrongly) FAR FAR FAR more able to be open and honest in this place....for whatever that might be worth....and I think it is a great reflection on the nature of people that inhabit this place.....even if I still get it proper wrong sometimes!

Number said:

But fwiw, in this instance, my spidey-sense tells me that any non-asshat parent would be profoundly proud of the Pegg that I see.

With oodles of respect.

What a lovely comment, and it is seconded by me.

I can't know what your mum thought of you ...but you provide enough info above for me to proffer a more likely (or at least equally plausible) assessment of what she might have been feeling about you....based solely on what you have written above.

She was worried for you because she could perhaps readily see that you were not happy and she feared for your future?

She didn't know that you are different, and in fairness to her, nor did you know either....in any way that you could usefully explain?

She thought that, if you tried harder to conform, and fit in, then you could perhaps be happy.  I strongly suspect that for a long while, you thought this too?

So, if you can entertain the above questions as a plausible pretext for the reality of how your mum was feeling about you, I hope you can then interpret her "demands" upon you to "fit in" as her TRYING to do her best for you ie. her demands were not predicated on "embarrassment and disappointment" in you, but actually her "best efforts" to logically help you to live a long and happy life.  

I do sincerely apologise if this proffered alternative world view is neither helpful nor welcome....and potentially crosses a line. I mean no harm or upset to you nor do I view parents as some kind of endlessly enigmatic and benign force for good over their children.....some of them are DEFINITELY rogue asshats!  But fwiw, in this instance, my spidey-sense tells me that any non-asshat parent would be profoundly proud of the Pegg that I see.

With oodles of respect.

Number.