Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey.
i haven’t posted in a while, but have had a horrific day (and few weeks) and just I think wanted to feel less alone. I don’t know any autistic adults in real life and I find it so hard to explain to other people how I am feeling, especially as some know about my diagnosis and others don’t.
I work full time, and I am beginning to understand why only 19% of autistic adults are in employment. I just feel like I can’t do it at the moment. I’ve recently been off sick for six weeks, returned to work and I feel like everyday is getting worse. I feel in a constant state of overwhelm. I was only diagnosed a few months ago, but feel like I am getting more and more autistic as time goes on! Is that even a thing?! What’s going on??
I feel so frustrated ALL the time. I have a massive sense of injustice, cannot cope with people not following the rules or not doing what they’re meant to, and no one else seems to care! I cannot understand why managers etc do not deal with things, why they don’t dealt with incompetence or people not doing what they are asked to. I HATE that I care so much. That I get too involved. My brain does not ever stop. I have OCD as well as autism and struggle massively with obsessive thoughts and it’s all just too much. I cannot keep doing it.
i literally broke down sobbing today in the toilets and was sent home. This keeps happening. I’ve recently got into full blown shouting matches with colleagues in front of the whole office. It’s horrible, embarrassing, shameful. I am crying so much. Then I overthink and don’t sleep.
i cannot deal with the way I think about things, having a total lack of control over other people. I can’t explain to managers why I am constantly causing problems or raising issues because I just CANNOT let things go.
I don’t even know why I’m posting really. Maybe it will help getting it all out and will help me sleep. I’m Just at my wits end.
Hi Sloan. Not sure if this helps, but after being diagnosed earlier this year I've found work really difficult as well. I'm 55 and have held down jobs and a career for nearly 40 years. Have you told anyone at work? Think carefully about whether that could help. I've told a few people at work and although I found it extremely difficult to do so and they don't know how to deal with it, I have been able to be clear about what triggers me. I also think that I'm slowly, almost unconsciously, demasking - if that's the right word. I was told I needed to, but it feels like I'm letting more of my autism out - and why shouldn't I? It's just the small things, that most people wouldn't notice anyway, but it helps me cope. I also find it very hard to understand why people don't follow rules / play fair, and especially why managers almost condone it, but I try to focus on me and less on what's going on around me. It's difficult to see, often, but being autistic does make us good at certain things - is it time to reassess what you are good at and try to find a more suitable role where you work, or, difficult though it is, find another job? Take care of yourself.
Thanks for your reply. I have told my manager and a couple of close colleagues but I’m not open about my diagnosis. I also think people generally don’t really understand autism, I think there’s massive generalisations and assumptions that I’m should be rocking, be obsessed by trains and be super clever (of which none of these apply!) I don’t think people really understand how it affects your thought processes and communication. Anyway that’s my experience of it! yes I feel like I’m slowly letting more of my autism out, but I feel this is not a positive thing for me, especially whilst at work!
you’ve given some really good advice. I think I’m so newly diagnosed that I just see all these negatives and am struggling to figure out who I am anymore. thankyou :)