Had enough

Hey.

i haven’t posted in a while, but have had a horrific day (and few weeks) and just I think wanted to feel less alone. I don’t know any autistic adults in real life and I find it so hard to explain to other people how I am feeling, especially as some know about my diagnosis and others don’t. 

I work full time, and I am beginning to understand why only 19% of autistic adults are in employment. I just feel like I can’t do it at the moment. I’ve recently been off sick for six weeks, returned to work and I feel like everyday is getting worse. I feel in a constant state of overwhelm. I was only diagnosed a few months ago, but feel like I am getting more and more autistic as time goes on! Is that even a thing?! What’s going on?? 

I feel so frustrated ALL the time. I have a massive sense of injustice, cannot cope with people not following the rules or not doing what they’re meant to, and no one else seems to care! I cannot understand why managers etc do not deal with things, why they don’t dealt with incompetence or people not doing what they are asked to. I HATE that I care so much. That I get too involved. My brain does not ever stop. I have OCD as well as autism and struggle massively with obsessive thoughts and it’s all just too much. I cannot keep doing it. 

i literally broke down sobbing today in the toilets and was sent home. This keeps happening. I’ve recently got into full blown shouting matches with colleagues in front of the whole office. It’s horrible, embarrassing, shameful. I am crying so much. Then I overthink and don’t sleep. 

i cannot deal with the way I think about things, having a total lack of control over other people. I can’t explain to managers why I am constantly causing problems or raising issues because I just CANNOT let things go. 

I don’t even know why I’m posting really. Maybe it will help getting it all out and will help me sleep. I’m Just at my wits end.