Published on 12, July, 2020
I am on the autism spectrum and I know those on the autism spectrum are often said to be socially awkward and have difficulty making friends.I was reflecting on this in the context of making eye contact and I know those on the autism spectrum often have difficulty making eye contact, as I do.Why I reflected on both was my feeling that reliable social contact with others may be guided by differences in how neurotypical people feel about social behaviours. For example, I notice I don't make eye contact because I find it incredibly uncomfortable to look somebody in the eye. I'd rather look just about anywhere else.But that then to me implies it's as much a feelings thing as a skills thing. I don't avoid eye contact because I don't know how to look into people's eyes, I avoid eye contact because I find it extremely uncomfortable.If you are on the autism spectrum will you please reply by writing something how you feel about eye contact and will you also write something more about what your theory is about social skills but also what the differences are between neurotypical people and those on the autism spectrum while we each try to be sociable? So, eye contact and being sociable, go! :)
Eye contact feels incredibly personal to me. Like I’m touching the person inappropriately or something. I’ve developed tricks like looking at their mouth or nose instead (I understand better when I lip read anyway) but I still have a habit of forgetting then i try to do it deliberately and become self conscious and it all goes wrong.
I’ve learned lots of scripts and hacks that mean I can get along well with people at work or in social situations but it’s all superficial and that means I can never convert colleagues and acquaintances into real friends or a partner.
I find the scripts thing relatable. I believe I find it almost impossible to talk to people unless I am recalling something I have on a script I have memorised or something I already have well rehearsed. The problem with that is, when somebody says something to me or asks me a question which takes me off script then knowing roughly what think I might say doesn't work for me. I need to walk away, think it over, and then when I have a rehearsed response I can then go back to them and say "Hey, you know we were having that conversation about.....", remind them of the topic and then read from the memorised script.It basically makes social spontaneity impossible for me except for when one of scripted responses or jokes becomes appropriate to the circumstances. On making friends, I haven't made any friends for more than two decades. I can talk to people at work but it's usually technical or analytical discussion. Curiously, people say they have had some very interesting conversations with me. Some have described me as friendly and very rarely I am told I come over as if I make friends easily. I find all of this confusing as I know I am not very friendly and I don't make friends at all. It's strange to be told I am friendly by people who are not personal friends but acquaintances with whom I usually have superficial exchanges. Some even say I am funny but, again, I am not very funny so it's hard to take seriously. :)
Ha ha, yes. When they go off script and I don’t have a response I basically crash and stand there with a stupid look on my face. I hate that.
I have the same history as you with people at work - I am often described as friendly and likeable. But it’s superficial. I’ve realised rather late in life they people can’t make friends with my ever-shifting mask. I have to let them know the real me.
That’s not going well so far.
Amerantin (former member) said:But I have so many deeply ingrained scripts now that I can usually pick and choose from them and adapt reasonably well on the fly. Sometimes this fails though and I’m left literally unable to say anything. This is especially likely to happen if I’m tired or overstimulated.
Me too.
My brain has a lifetime of ingrained, previously used and well worn scripts filed away. The only trouble is the filing system seems to have become somewhat disorganised!
Sometimes what comes out isn't necessarily the right script for that situation or it fails completely, as happens in your case.
LastHorizon said:On another point on scripts. I am less talkative than I was when I was younger because my ability to work out scripts and ideas in my head and memorise and recall them has deteriorated since I was a teenager. Now, I can start working on a script and lose track or immediately forget it.
I've definitely noticed this too. It takes so much energy and focus that it becomes progressively harder to do as I age.
Also I think I'm less inclined to script now that I understand it is masking and how detrimental to health that can be.
I’m certainly not as sharp as I used to be, although I think chronic burnout is one of the causes.
But I have so many deeply ingrained scripts now that I can usually pick and choose from them and adapt reasonably well on the fly. Sometimes this fails though and I’m left literally unable to say anything. This is especially likely to happen if I’m tired or overstimulated.
I have to go to a work conference next week where I’ll be expected to network. I’m dreading it. Will likely find a corner to hide in.
On another point on scripts. I am less talkative than I was when I was younger because my ability to work out scripts and ideas in my head and memorise and recall them has deteriorated since I was a teenager. Now, I can start working on a script and lose track or immediately forget it. Not that it may be relevant to your own experience but these days I find it far harder to walk into work (or school as it was decades ago) with quite a long list of memorised scripts for the various situations I knew I would face. I don't find it easy to work on scripts at all any more and tend to be far more quiet than I once was because I have no script to recall for the situation more of the time.
Yes... being who you are is harder when what you are isn't something others are likely to warm to. I have watched some videos where people on the psychopathy spectrum are interviewed and although I am reluctant to draw parallels I think there are some, such as difficulty with empathy and experiencing feelings. Ironically I score very highly in standard tests for recognising emotions in others but for me the problem is when I see how somebody feels I have absolutely no idea how to respond and basically choose to ignore it or state it "I can tell you are feeling sad". How can you get along with people by being honest? Say "I like you. I just don't like your company". It isn't going to go down well, is it? :)Also, being "likeable" it must be superficial because I have noticed I am not notified of work social events. Sometimes they will organise them right where I am standing without asking me to join them. Sometimes it pains me but then I remind myself I probably wouldn't enjoy those social events anyway, so why am I sad about it? Well, I suppose it would be nice to be socially desirable once in a while.