Published on 12, July, 2020
I had suspected for the past 2-3 years that I might very well be autistic and have done plenty of research which included keeping an eye on this community forum.
I was diagnosed just over a week ago and whilst it came as no big surprise, it did knock me back a bit to the point where I haven't felt up to working since.The reality has hit home with me and has opened a Pandora's box - especially when I now look back on events in my life both recent and further back in my past (I'm 52).I am trying to focus on the here and now, particularly around work and how to approach things when I do return (hopefully very soon).I want / need to explain to my colleagues about my autism and how that affects my communication - something that has caused them concern in the past.
Yesterday I received the written report for my diagnosis which included some generic website links for advice and assistance. Looking into these has been a bit of a disappointment as the majority do not resonate with me. I have been put on a waiting list for a "6 session psycho-educational small group programme for people recently diagnoses with autism" - not sure how long the wait will be or what it will be like
I thought that I'd start this community discussion with the hope that others would share their experiences of the days and weeks following their diagnosis.I'd be particularly interested to hear how this has affected professional people who have been diagnosed later on in their life.
I was diagnosed a few months ago after it being picked up during an ADHD assessment in March. I had suspected that I was autistic on and off for over 10 years. I'm 47 - and when I was diagnosed I took a deep dive into the symptoms and issues of autism in adults and children - and when I then looked back over my life it was like I was seeing myself for the first time. I realised that all of the problems I've had during my life (which have been many) were due to me being autistic - not being mad - bipolar - or schizophrenic - which are just some of the labels that drs have tried to stick on me over the years.
I've struggled with alcohol and drugs - which I'd used primarily in social situations - but having the diagnosis has empowered me. Now I don't allow myself to be in situations that make me feel anxious or upset. I feel.like I am allowed to be in control. I do appreciate that I am at the beginning of this journey and I may feel differently in a few months - but at the moment I feel positive.
I haven't yet been able to access any support - but I hope to soon. I do need help. I am on my own and my housing situation is tenuous - but despite this I feel ok at the minute.
I have been self employed for the last 12 years which has been the only way I have been able to make employment work for me. It gives me flexibility - so if I'm feeling burnt out or depressed or anxious - I can have time off without being sacked. I'd never been able to hold down a job for long before becoming self employed because I would suffer from what I now know is burn out.
I subcontract my services to different companies - I haven't told anyone at any of these places about my diagnosis - I have only told a handful of people that I am close to.
I feel quite scared about telling people that I don't know well and some that I do - In general I don't like giving people information about myself because I feel it could be used against me - so I have always preferred to literally keep myself to myself - but I would like to be able to discuss my diagnosis more freely - I hope this is something I can work on in any counselling I can access.
The one thing that I have struggled with a bit is wondering how my life may have turned out differently if I had been diagnosed as a child (with autism and ADHD) - I wonder if I'd had the support then maybe I'd have done better academically - maybe I'd have become a Dr or a scientist? But then conversely - I wonder - if I was diagnosed as a child would I have done a lot of the things I've done? If I was diagnosed as a child life may have been easier in many ways - I would've been more protected - but I also may have been told that I couldn't or shouldn't do certain things? I guess that's why we are told to try and concentrate on the present.
Your last point about wondering what your life might have been like really resonates with me.
My first reaction when i discovered I was autistic was to have a period of grief. Real grief for my younger self.
How much better might high school have been. University might have been a fabulous experience instead of a nightmare. I might even have friends and a wife!
But I can’t turn the clock back.
Exactly - we'll never know - but we have survived - and hopefully now - after being diagnosed - we can prosper. Or at least understand ourselves better - and allow others to do the same.